Making Excuses
by Cress
Summary: Another Joey:Chandler story set in the 6th season. After Joey and Janine try to double date with Monica and Chandler, passionate feelings erupt, and a past memory comes back to haunt them.
1. Involved With My Roommate

Joey tried to make excuses for Janine. Ever since she moved in, Joey had lusted after her, partly because she was a hot dancer, partly because the guys had warned him against getting involved with his roommate, and partly because she was immune to his "How you doin'?" line. She was the perfect unattainable woman for him to get a crush on.

In a way, Janine reminded Joey of Kate, who had been so snobby and cold to Joey's advances when they first met at the theatre. After Joey began dating her understudy Lauren, Kate finally got jealous and slept with him, but she immediately regretted it and told Joey that it meant nothing. She stayed with her boyfriend the director until opening night, when her heart began to melt once more, but by then it was too late, because she had to leave for a job in L.A. the next night.

Nothing seemed more irresistible to Joey than a girl who didn't like him, and maybe that was why he hadn't settled down yet. From Ursula to Kathy, the girls that he liked all had a tendency to leave him for something or someone better.

After being indifferent to Joey for so long, Janine had finally kissed Joey after taping Dick Clark's New Year's Eve special. Now that they were a couple, he was determined to enjoy it and hold onto her if he could.

But there was a problem. Janine couldn't stand Monica and Chandler. She had acted just fine on their double date, but after they got home, Janine complained that Monica was loud and Chandler was "blah." She didn't want to hang out with them two nights in a row.

Joey tried to defend his friends, but then Janine swayed him with a kiss, and he was ready to "sell my friends and use the money to buy you presents."

The next night, Joey told Monica and Chandler that Janine was too sick to join them, but Janine obliviously ruined that excuse by appearing and saying she was going out to a play. So Joey had to tell them the truth after she departed.

Chandler was shocked. "So she was just pretending to have a good time last night? She was lying to our faces!"

"Ugh, I cannot believe this!" Monica added. "I mean, who is she to judge us? We could not have been nicer to her!"

"And I am not blah, I am a hoot!"

"I know! I know!" Joey tried to make excuses for Janine. "Come on, please! Please, you guys, don't be mad. I'm sure she just, she just said that stuff because she was nervous and you guys are like my best friends, you know, and it was our first date! Plus, she's really sick!"

"No she's not!" Chandler answered. "You made that up!"

"I know, but don't you think the sick thing is way better than the play thing?"

Chandler shrugged. "Eh, they're both good. I generally just go with, Monica's drunk again."

Monica glared at him.

Joey begged them to give Janine another chance, which they grudgingly agreed to do. He hoped that everyone would soon learn to get along. Despite his joke earlier, he really didn't want to have to choose between Janine and his friends.

* * *

So the couples tried another double date, and Janine was once again very nice to Monica and Chandler. But after they got home, she let her true feelings out.

"We have got to move!" Janine sniped.

Wow. How fake and snobby could she be? Before Joey could think of what to say, Monica and Chandler burst in, having overheard Janine's bitchy comment.

An angry fight erupted, and Monica threatened to get physically violent. Joey broke it up and sent Monica and Chandler home, so that he could talk to Janine alone.

"These people are my friends; you can't treat them that way."

"They said stuff to me too, you know!"

"I know! I know! And I'm going to talk to them about it." Joey made a very tough decision and told her, "It's just, they mean so much to me. They... they're like my family. If you guys are gonna be fighting all the time, I... I don't think we can be together. It just--it just can't work. It can't. I'm very upset."

Janine seemed to finally understand how strongly he felt about it, so she offered to go apologize to Monica and Chandler, which he appreciated. Janine met Monica in the hallway and apologized. They agreed to be friends for Joey's sake, but Janine couldn't help making one more snide remark about Monica's loudness.

So Monica chased Janine down the stairs, making good on her threat to get violent.

Clearly, it was a hopeless cause, so Joey and Chandler just watched the chick fight, then Joey broke up with Janine and asked her to move out. He realized that Janine's unattainable quality had blinded him to the fact that she wasn't really a likable person. He couldn't go on making excuses for her rudeness and fakeness, no matter how good a kisser she was.

* * *

After Janine moved out with all her stuff, Chandler came over to Joey's apartment to see how he was doing. "You okay, man?"

Joey nodded and tried to be easygoing about it. "Yeah. I should have listened to you and Ross. Don't get involved with my roommate, you know?"

Chandler sat down with him and shrugged. "Eh, we should have expected it. You didn't listen to us about Kate either."

"I couldn't help it. I was so crazy about her."

"I know," Chandler rubbed his shoulder soothingly, then got an idea. "Hey, did you ever think about going to L.A. to find Kate? Why wait for her to come back here?"

Joey shrugged, "It's just, I don't want to leave New York. It's my home, and all my family's here, and all my friends. I'd miss you so much."

Chandler was touched. "Ah, Joey! We'd miss you too." He hugged Joey close. "But, you know, we could always call each other and visit. Especially after what happened with Janine, maybe it's time you stop letting us get in the way of your romantic life. I just want you to be happy."

"Thanks," Joey said. "But I just--I don't want to go anywhere now." Pulling out of Chandler's embrace, he shrugged and tried to laugh cheerfully. "Besides, who would take care of the chick and the duck? Monica's not gonna let them move in with you."

Chandler smiled ruefully. "Yeah." He had recently told Joey of Monica's refusal to even invite the birds over for a visit. "But maybe Phoebe would take them?"

"Maybe. But Rachel's living with her now, and she hates the birds too. She threatened to kill them with kitchen knives and cook 'em, remember?"

"Yeah." That was just before the whole betting and apartment-switching incident occurred.

Joey continued speculating, "Maybe if we wait awhile, Rachel will get back together with Ross and move in with him."

"Maybe. Anything's possible with those two." He met Joey's eyes seriously. "So you really want to stay in New York?"

"Yeah. What, are you trying to get rid of me, Chandler?"

"No, of course not! I'd really like you to stay, actually. I mean, maybe you could meet some nice girl around here, Joe, and we could all double date again. It was nice spending time together, right?"

Joey nodded. "Yeah, I liked that part. But, um, it might be a while before I get a new girlfriend." Girlfriend as opposed to a one-night stand.

"Yeah, I know." Chandler understood that he'd need time to adjust. "Anyway, I guess we should start making some new flyers to post. I think you should get a guy roommate this time, okay? Then you won't be tempted at all, no matter how hot he is."

Joey frowned and said, "I don't know. I don't want a new roommate now."

"What? But how are you gonna pay the rent by yourself?"

"I'll be okay. I still got some Christmas and birthday money from my folks, and then I can get some temp job I guess."

"If you need money, I can lend you--"

"No, no!" Joey interrupted him. "No, come on! We already had that talk, Chandler. No more charity for me."

"It's not charity. I--"

"No!" he stubbornly insisted.

Chandler frowned and gave in with a sigh. "But just promise me, Joe, that if you get another hernia, and you don't have health insurance again, you'll let me pay this time. I don't wanna have to help you take another shower!"

Joey chuckled at the memory of that recent incident. "I thought we were never going to mention that again?"

Chandler blushed and cleared his throat. "I'm only mentioning it to say that I don't want it to happen again."

"Okay, okay!" Joey laughed heartily, "I promise it won't."

"Good. 'Cause I don't need any more ammunition for people to think I'm gay."

Joey grinned and put his arm around Chandler teasingly. "They'd only think that if you told somebody about it. Are you going around telling people about that shower?"

"No!" Chandler replied firmly. "You better not be telling anybody either."

"Yeah, I know," he nodded and chuckled. "Our secret. Not even Ross can know."

"Right." Chandler got up and started to leave, but he turned back at the door. "You really gonna be all right here?"

"Yeah. Really."

So Chandler left and tried not to worry about his best friend, financially or emotionally.


	2. Speaking of the Birds

**This chapter jumps back in time a little, to show a few incidents prior to Joey dating Janine. See episodes 608 and 610, the holiday episodes from that year. I realize that in episode 620, Monica used the excuse that she was allergic to the birds, but let's say that she hasn't come up with that lie yet. I'm going to have her use that excuse later in this story, so for now, just stick with her reaction here.**

Chandler tried to make excuses for Monica. She could be rather shrill sometimes, and bossy, and even scary, but he did his best to think of her obsessive quirks as charming and lovable. She was simply passionate about things. She was no more annoying than Ross could be sometimes, or the others, and at least he got to have great sex with her.

"We're in love," Chandler told himself. "She's high maintenance, but I like maintaining her. I'm neurotic too, and we work together."

Unfortunately, there were times when the excuses weren't enough. When her behavior was completely beyond his ability to comprehend, let alone love.

This past Thanksgiving, for example, Chandler had learned that Monica had never told her parents about their relationship. They had been dating for over a year, and now they were even living together, but she never saw fit to mention any of this to the Gellers. How could Monica do that? Judy Geller was always criticizing her daughter for not having a boyfriend, but instead of mentioning her serious relationship with Chandler, Monica had preferred to keep mum all year.

Sure, Monica had explained to Chandler that her parents hated him for some reason, but shouldn't she stand by the man she loved? Monica hadn't let their shock and disapproval affect her relationship with Richard, after all, and she hadn't kept their affair a secret for long, either. Why couldn't she at least ask her parents why they hated Chandler? Why couldn't she tell Chandler how they felt before and let him figure out how to win them over? She just kept it all a secret and didn't even give him a whole day's warning about the Gellers coming to dinner, let alone that they hated him.

Even worse than that, Monica had asked Chandler to pretend they weren't together that night. She wasn't going to tell her parents when they arrived; she was just going to get through dinner and hope that they wouldn't suspect anything.

It was Chandler who said that he'd figure out some way to be charming. "I will make them fall in love with me, and then we'll tell them." Monica didn't like Chandler being a suck-up at his office, but it would come in handy tonight if he could suck up like crazy.

But Monica seriously doubted his ability to win them over, and it sapped all his confidence. What was so wrong with him? Why wasn't he good enough for Monica's parents? So Chandler went across the hall to ask Ross whether what Monica said was true. But both Joey and Ross were busy with a Playstation game, and they only half paid attention to him. Apparently the Gellers did hate him, and nobody cared about that but him.

Chandler returned to the other apartment to sulk, while Monica got started on dinner. She was having Rachel and Phoebe come over later to help, and in the meantime, the TV was tuned to the parade for him, but it was small comfort.

Great! Another lousy Thanksgiving in the works. He felt very hurt by the whole situation, and by his friends' apathy. It made him feel unworthy and unwanted, like all those times before London that Monica had turned him down and said he wasn't boyfriend material. Was Chandler such a loser that Monica was too ashamed to admit they were together? She had wanted to keep their affair a secret for months after London. At first she said, "We don't want to make a big deal about it." Then the excuse was, "We're so bad at relationships. Maybe it's going so good with us because we're still a secret." Chandler had gone along because he was worried about how Ross would react, and the sneaking around made things exciting.

But maybe Monica had pressed for secrecy so much because she really wanted to avoid telling her parents. Chandler hadn't told his parents about Monica, either, but that was because he didn't share anything with his parents anymore; they had always found countless ways to embarrass or neglect him while he was growing up, and he wanted to keep them as far from his adult life as he could. Chandler had already stopped keeping in touch with his dad in Vegas, and though Mrs. Bing had stopped by for a visit once, she generally stayed away from New York, and he was glad of that. For Chandler, it was his parents who weren't good enough for Monica, not the other way around.

So as soon as Jack and Judy Geller arrived for dinner, Chandler did his best to suck up and be charming, trying to prove to Monica that he was good enough for her parents. But between Chandler's nervousness and his bruised confidence, he could only manage to come off as a goofy idiot.

The Gellers even thought that Chandler might be stoned, which bewildered him, until Ross pulled him aside and confessed that he once smoked pot and blamed it on Chandler. Monica and Chandler insisted that he confess and fix things, but Ross hesitated so much that Monica blurted out the truth for him. That prompted both the siblings to betray other secrets to their parents, and soon nearly everyone was shouting out confessions.

Mr. and Mrs. Geller were shocked and overwhelmed, but they praised Chandler for putting up with Ross and Monica through it all. Jack Geller even hugged him, which made Chandler feel so much better. Maybe this was a pretty good Thanksgiving after all.

Chandler went to bed happy that night and put aside his earlier insecurities and doubts. Yes, Monica had been wrong to keep things a secret for so long, but he decided that he could forgive and forget. He should just enjoy their relationship and be happy.

* * *

But then, another ugly incident occurred. While Monica was at the pre-taping for the Dick Clark New Year's show, Phoebe and Rachel convinced Chandler to help them search for Monica's Christmas presents for them.

Phoebe even brought the chick and the duck over to help them search, but it was actually Rachel who discovered the secret stash of presents underneath the window seat. But Chandler had second thoughts, and out of guilt, he convinced them to not open the presents and put them back.

Unfortunately, Monica abruptly came home. She jumped to conclusions and let slip that she got Chandler a water purifier for Christmas.

Chandler was quite disappointed, but before anyone could explain things, Monica noticed that the chick and the duck were in her apartment.

She quickly lost her temper. "Chandler! Why did you bring these birds over here?"

"I didn't. Phoebe did."

"Well, get them out of here! They're smelly and dirty and I don't want them near my kitchen. I cook there!"

Chandler apologized, but was surprised by her harshness. He joked, "Trust me, Mon, they've seen enough of the Cooking Channel to know that they should stay away from kitchens."

She rolled her eyes and huffed, then motioned for Phoebe and Rachel to help her put all the presents away. Chandler went over to the birds and tried to lead them back across the hall, but the birds wouldn't go. They seemed to understand that Monica had insulted them, and wanted to retaliate. The duck quacked and waddled over to Chandler's barcalounger, as if to claim his right to be there, while the rooster went over to one of Monica's tables and started to peck at the wooden leg.

"Oh, no no no!" Chandler rushed to stop the rooster from damaging the furniture, but Monica heard his exclamation.

"What's going on?" She turned around.

"Nothing! Nothing!" Chandler picked up the rooster in his arms and tried to shoo the duck to follow them out the door.

"What happened?" Monica remained suspicious. "Did they poop on my rug?"

The duck wouldn't cooperate, and Chandler's hands were full with the struggling chicken. "No, everything's fine."

"Chandler!"

"It's all good! Bye." He put the rooster into the hallway, then shut the door and came back to retrieve the duck. The birds were used to being put into the hallway for punishment, and hopefully, whenever Joey and Janine came home, they'd let the birds inside with them.

Chandler had a difficult time rounding up the duck because it kept flapping its wings vigorously and scurrying away so that Chandler couldn't get a good grasp on him.

"Chandler!" Monica scowled at the ridiculousness of her boyfriend chasing the duck around the living room. "He's getting feathers everywhere!"

"I'm sorry! He's just overexcited I guess."

Chandler finally caught the duck and ejected him outside with the rooster, but Monica was still mad because of the mess. She went around cleaning up the feathers and also searched for any sign that the birds had pooped or peed on her rug.

Chandler was terrified that she would notice the peck marks on her table leg. Maybe he should retreat outside as well.

Fuming, Monica glared at both Chandler and Phoebe. "Let's make this clear, okay? From now on, those birds are banned from here. You hear me? Banned!"

Phoebe tried to explain, "But I just brought them because--"

"I don't care why!" Monica interrupted. "Just don't do it again. No exceptions! Not even for holidays, or special occasions, or me being at work. Those birds belong on a farm anyway, not in a city apartment. Right, Rachel?"

Rachel nodded, but couldn't help feeling a bit sorry for Chandler. Monica seemed as dead serious about this matter as she was about moving the phone pen.

Chandler spoke sheepishly, "Yeah, I promise the birds won't come over again, Mon. I'll, I'll talk to Joey about it too. And Ross."

Just then, Ross came in, breaking the tension in the room. "Did somebody mention my name?" he asked excitedly. "Oh, Monica, did you tell them about us doing the routine at the show? Did ya, huh?" The conversation then changed to the taping of Dick Clark show, and everyone was finally able to relax again.


	3. Grin and Bear It

That night, Joey had kissed Janine for the first time and rushed over to tell everyone about it. They were very happy for him, and after Joey left and took the birds with him, they all sat around talking about love and how the holidays brought people together. That put everyone in a good mood, even Monica, and after the gang left she apologized to him.

"I'm sorry about before, Chandler. I shouldn't have yelled like that."

He smiled and kissed her with complete forgiveness. "That's okay, honey. You were upset because you still thought we had opened your Christmas presents for us already." Thankfully, Rachel and Phoebe had helped him explain everything.

Monica nodded and hugged him. "Yeah, it was so sweet of you, to convince them to put my presents back. None of my surprises got ruined."

"Except for the water purifier."

"Oh, yeah!" She laughed, but when she noticed his annoyed pout, she asked him, "Are you really sure you don't want a water purifier, Chandler?"

"Not for Christmas," he answered. "Couldn't I have something more romantic? I have to buy all new presents for Phoebe and Rachel, you know."

"Well... I guess I can get you something else, but I was just really looking forward to us having a water purifier. I mean, it's something that we could both use, you know, and it's healthy, and it's clean, and it says that we're gonna be together a while, long enough for the purifier to save us money on buying bottled water, and--"

Chandler cut her off and took the hint. She had gone all squeaky-voiced again, and he knew there was no way to talk her out of it. So he sighed and offered, "Well, how about I take that water purifier and I give it to you for Christmas?"

"Really!" She looked excited, but then frowned. "But it will ruin the surprise."

"No it won't," he replied, "because I'm already getting you another gift too, and you have no idea what that is."

"That's right!" She hugged him happily and then ran to get the water purifier from among the hidden presents. She handed the box to Chandler. "And here's the receipt so you can return it, then buy it back for me."

"I have to return it? Why can't I just wrap it the way it is now?"

"Because then it won't really be from you. Oh, and you have to give me back the money that I paid for it, so that I can have enough cash to buy you a romantic present. Then you can buy this back for me!"

This seemed like an awful lot of trouble to go through, and it vaguely reminded Chandler of all the years in college that Ross would nag him into chipping in for the filters for his air purifier, even though Chandler couldn't stand the noise it made. Still, Monica was his girlfriend, not just his roommate, and he should pick his battles.

So Chandler gave in again. "All right. Um, let me go put this with the other presents that I have to return tomorrow."

"Thank you!"

When they retired to bed that night, Chandler smiled and looked on the bright side; at least he would be assured that one of his presents would definitely please Monica this Christmas. He didn't want to disappoint her at all.

Monica cuddled with him and said, "I'm so glad we worked everything out."

"Yep." He kissed her. "Oh, hey, if Joey's with Janine now, that means we can start double dating with them."

"That's right! Oh, it'll be so much fun. We can hang out as couples, and go dancing and to the movies and go antique shopping and make potpourri..."

Chandler found most of these activities uninteresting, but again, he should pick his battles. So he stayed quiet. Besides, Joey would probably help him object to the girly stuff, right? But maybe not; after all, Joey had been happy to knit potholders and arrange flowers with Janine, and he did try to hide all her cutesy girly stuff in his bedroom.

For such a macho guy, Joey really seemed to get attached to feminine stuff on occasion, such as the unisex purse that Rachel had given him last year. Chandler wondered why Joey didn't feel more insecure about it, but maybe he just never had to deal with everyone thinking that he had a gay quality.

Well, even if they did wind up doing girly things on their double dates, Chandler decided that he would just be glad to spend more time with Joey. Sure, they still saw each other every day, but lately they didn't have much quality time to bond, because Monica always wanted to do something as a couple. Chandler didn't mind spending some time with her, but Joey was his best friend, and he didn't want them to drift apart just because they weren't roommates anymore; he could still remember how lonely and miserable he had been during that time when Joey moved out and they became "just friends" for weeks. Besides Joey, Chandler missed the chick and the duck, and foosball, and Baywatch. He had thought it would be so great moving to this apartment, since he had lived here during the apartment switching, but he realized now that living with Joey here was a lot different than living with Monica here.

For one thing, he didn't have a lot of his stuff around. Monica had grudgingly let Chandler bring his barcalounger over, but not much else, and she wouldn't budge on the issue of the guest room. She even relegated the white dog statue to the balcony outside and made Chandler organize his CDs within her freaky filing system. So Joey kept all the furniture, the foosball table, the Playstation, the porn, and the birds; it felt almost as if Chandler had been through a divorce and lost everything except visitation rights.

Chandler knew that he shouldn't be surprised, since Monica didn't like Rachel's attempts to change the decor either, but at least she had her own room that she could do with as she liked. He just wanted to have more than just his clothes and CDs and his barcalounger; just something to make him feel at home here, instead of just a guest.

What Chandler could never understand was how Monica would tell him that he should be a grownup now and stop wanting silly stuff like a game room, but she still made him feel like a child with her rigid rules and her constant reminders to not get crumbs anywhere. Who did she think he was, Joey? Chandler tried to be patient and hope that she would eventually relax, once she got used to having him here, but it was hard not knowing how long that would take.

With a sigh, Chandler rolled over to get some sleep. He would just have to keep humoring her for now.

* * *

Of course, the double dating went very badly, and Joey broke up with Janine. Even though he didn't like Janine anymore, Chandler felt bad for Joey and was disappointed that they wouldn't be two couples anymore.

One night as he and Joey were hanging out together, Chandler got an idea. "Um, hey," he said to Joey. "You like Phoebe, right? How about you guys try dating?"

"Nah, I already asked her about that earlier. She said it's not time for us to get together yet. A bunch of other stuff happens and then we get married."

"Married? Whoa! She's moving a little fast, don't you think?"

Joey shrugged. "It's some kind of psychic vision she had of the future. But you know, now I'm not sure if she might have made a mistake or not. I mean, her psychic did say one of the triplets would be black and that Phoebe was gonna die."

"Oh, right!" Chandler laughed a little. "Yeah, well, horoscopes don't always come true either."

"Yep. Hey, at least I got this cool book to read." Joey reached over and pulled out the _Playboy_ magazine that Ross had given him.

Chandler laughed and rolled his eyes. "That's a book?"

Joey grinned and nodded. "Well, apparently you and Ross think so, 'cause you can't get enough of this joke." He mock gasped, "Oh wait! What's this? There's naked ladies in here!" He opened to the centerfold and shoved it into Chandler's face.

Chandler pushed it off his face and handed it back with a smile. Joey started turning the pages and showing Chandler the best parts of the magazine, but Chandler only shook his head and warned him, "Nah, I can't let Monica catch me looking at it. She'll be home soon."

"Oh. Okay, well, I'll come sneak it over to you later."

Chandler laughed and hugged him, before getting up to leave. Good old Joe.

Unfortunately, that _Playboy_ led to an embarrassing slip-up later. While browsing the magazine, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe got into an argument over who they would hypothetically date. After the girls finally resolved their dispute, Rachel turned the question on the guys, and Chandler answered promptly that he would date Joey.

Only too late did he realize that neither Ross nor Joey had answered the hypothetical question, and everyone stared at Chandler for saying something so gay. Blushing hotly, Chandler unconvincingly pretended that it was just a joke, and then he ran to hide in his bedroom, intending to not come out until everyone stopped teasing him.

Why did he have to say that? Why? He just couldn't help it somehow. He had fun with Joey. He missed living with him and hanging out with him. They were so comfortable and at ease with each other. As long as it was hypothetical, why couldn't Chandler want to date him, especially since the choice was between him and Ross? But apparently it was more macho not to make a choice at all.

He should have known better, but it was hard to tell what was acceptable lately. After all, Chandler had even helped him take a shower once, and when Joey at first avoided flirting with Janine, he flirted with Chandler instead and never felt insecure about his masculinity. It was just the kind of weird meaningless incident that would sometimes happen between them, like that accidental kiss at New Year's.

But then again, Joey had no "gay quality" label plaguing him, so he could act almost any way he wanted to. Chandler sighed and wished that he had the kind of macho reputation that could immediately dispel any gay jokes, but he didn't. So he would just have to be more careful next time. Wait! Next time? No, stop thinking like that! There should be no next time, period.


	4. It's the Little Things

Chandler was still hiding in the bedroom, with the door locked. He could still hear everyone in the other room giggling and joking about what he had said.

Monica tried to shush everyone and speak to him kindly through the door, "Honey, calm down. It's okay; it was just a hypothetical question. I mean, Phoebe said that she'd date Rachel, but that doesn't mean she's a lesbian."

Phoebe interjected, "No, it means that I'm bisexual."

"What!" The whole gang reacted with shock.

Phoebe scoffed. "Duh, like you guys didn't know already!" When they gave her blank stares, she elaborated, "Please! I was in prison for stabbing that cop. I went home with that chick who hit on me at the lesbian wedding. And I told you which strippers I'd sleep with from that club we all went to."

Everyone murmured in confusion, having thought that Phoebe was more innocent, or only kidding on those occasions.

Monica stammered, "W-wait, so you really were hitting on me during your fourth month of pregnancy?"

"Well..." Phoebe said, "A cardboard cutout of Evander Holyfield can only do so much for a girl."

Distracted by this bewildering conversation, the gang naturally forgot all about Chandler for the time being.

He was glad, for he just wanted to be left alone right now. Lying back on the bed, Chandler closed his eyes and tried to remember the big lesbian fantasy he once had involving Phoebe, Monica, Rachel, and the strippers, but he couldn't concentrate on it.

Even worse, Chandler started remembering his dream instead, the dream that began with the lesbian fantasy but then turned disturbingly gay when a guy from the strip club started touching him. Chandler shuddered at the memory, trying to rid his mind of the image, but of course the harder he tried to dismiss the dream, the more it refused to go away.

Chandler pulled the covers over his head and groaned miserably.

Just then, Monica knocked on the door again, startling him. "Honey, we're all going out to dinner at that Japanese place. Meet us there if you want to, or you can heat up some leftovers from the fridge. Bye."

Chandler didn't answer her, but he peeked out from beneath the covers and listened to the gang leaving the apartment. After they had been gone for a while, Chandler finally let out his breath with great relief. Getting up from the bed, he decided to go and spend some quality time with the _Playboy_ magazine.

But then he ran into Joey in the living room. "J-Joe! I-I thought everybody left."

Joey nodded. "They did, but I've got a date later tonight, so I stayed here. And, um, I hoped that I could get a chance to talk to you."

Chandler blushed and backed away. "I-I didn't mean what I said. I was just--"

"It's okay, it's okay," Joey reassured him, caressing his arm. "It was just a hypothetical question."

He calmed down a little and met Joey's eyes cautiously. "You think so?"

"Yeah. It was nothing." Joey looked perfectly serious and unusually mature about all this. Despite the strong temptation, he didn't make any jokes or tease Chandler about his gay quality, like their other friends had done just now.

Chandler felt grateful that he didn't have to defend himself. "Um, thanks, Joe."

"No big deal." Joey said, "So, uh, you wanna sit down for a second?" He took a seat on the couch and beckoned for Chandler to join him.

Chandler preferred to sit on the armchair instead. "So, who's your date tonight? Anybody special?"

"Nah, just some girl I met at the coffeehouse." Joey shrugged and changed the subject, "I don't know if you heard, but Phoebe's apparently bi."

"Yeah," Chandler nodded. "I heard her."

"It's weird, huh? Cool, but weird."

"Yeah. I mean, at the lesbian wedding, I thought Phoebe totally didn't know that woman was hitting on her, but I guess I was wrong. And I had no idea that she did stuff when she was in prison. What do you think that was like, huh?"

Joey sat back and tried to picture it. "I bet it's like the women's showers at the gym. You know, with everybody standing around naked, able to see each other. The hot steam rising up and all the women lathering themselves with soap..."

Chandler closed his eyes and really liked that fantasy.

"Oh, hey, remember that porn video we saw? With all the giggling and the slapping each other and the spanking..."

"Yeah!"

For a while, Joey kept narrating more sexy details from the video, getting them both quite hot, but then he abruptly broke off and gulped.

"Joe?" Chandler blinked, his breath ragged.

Joey frowned and looked completely stunned and speechless. Then he averted his eyes anxiously and got up. "Uh, I-I gotta leave for my date now."

"Oh." Chandler was disappointed.

"Yeah, so uh, see ya." Joey quickly turned and exited the apartment.

Left alone, Chandler grabbed the _Playboy_ magazine and returned to his bedroom to continue the fantasy by himself, though he missed Joey's sexy voice that somehow made everything hotter.

* * *

Joey was still a little freaked out when he went on his date that night. He had actually stopped talking dirty because the prison shower fantasy had unexpectedly been invaded by the memory of Chandler helping him take a shower recently. Joey was shocked and especially disturbed when he realized that he was still turned on by the idea of Chandler in a shower with him.

Fortunately, Joey had plenty of sex with his hot date, so he easily proved to himself that he was straight. Everything was back to normal again, and he chose to not say anything to Chandler about it.

Other matters didn't go so well for Joey, though. Despite his new job at the coffeehouse, Joey still didn't earn enough money to pay all his bills, so he started sneaking across the hall to steal food from Monica and Chandler and watch their cable.

They knew all about this, of course, and told Joey so when he kept clumsily trying to hide from them. Chandler concluded that Joey had too much pride to take money directly from him, but he couldn't very well starve either. He was glad that Joey was willing to let them take care of him to some degree; this way, he didn't have to worry so much.

Chandler also noticed how tolerant Monica was being, even though Joey could be very untidy during his extended visits. Joey was just too lovable and childlike for her to get very mad, and she could always send him across the hall again if she needed to clean. Besides, Chandler usually bought most of the food and beer that Joey consumed from their fridge, and Joey was consistently making an effort to find other work, whether in a medical study, in an Al Pacino movie, or in the new _Mac & C.H.E.E.S.E._ TV show.

So everything was fine for a while, and when Phoebe and Rachel suddenly got burned out of their apartment, Monica proudly welcomed them into her newly redecorated guest room. She was the perfect hostess. (Well, she was still a little anal about crumbs and such, but at least her heart was in the right place. She was eager to please, much like when she had offered porn and cookies to the gang, and Ross said, "You're the best mom ever!")

With his birthday coming up soon, Chandler took all these signs as positive, so he tried to convince Monica to reconsider her earlier ban on the chick and the duck. Maybe the birds could come over for a visit, or, if she didn't trust them yet to be on their best behavior, Monica could join him whenever he visited Joey's apartment.

"I'm sure that if you hang out with them you could learn to like them, Mon, and they could learn to like you, and everybody could get along... I mean, you accepted Marcel eventually, didn't you?"

Monica shuddered at the memory of Ross's monkey peeing and pooping all over her apartment. She didn't even come to the airport to say goodbye to Marcel when Ross sent him to the San Diego Zoo. "No, Chandler! I just got the apartment the way I wanted it. They can't come over, and that's that."

"But Mon--"

"They can't."

"Why do they bother you so much? You had a dog when you were little, and those can be very messy and smelly too. That's the way pets are."

Monica stamped her foot stubbornly. "That's different! Chi-chi was a real pet, not some freaky monkey or poultry. I just don't want them around because... because I'm allergic to them. Yeah, I'm allergic to those birds."

Chandler stared at her in disbelief. "Allergic?"

"Yep." She nodded and felt superior because she had found something that he couldn't argue with.

Nevertheless, Chandler did try to argue. "But--but, Mon, they've been living across the hall for three years now. Plus, you weren't sneezing at all even when they were flapping all around the apartment the other day. Remember?"

"Well, it's not a sneezing allergy," she insisted. "It's a, a rash kind of allergy."

"Really? Where?" He didn't remember seeing any rash on any part of her body lately. He playfully came over to inspect her and tickle her.

Not smiling at all, she coldly pulled away from his grasp and clung to her feeble lie. "It's new. My doctor just diagnosed it, and he said I should never be in the same room as them ever again. Don't you know that, that allergies can develop quite suddenly even if you've been exposed to the stimulus before?"

Unable to call her an outright liar, Chandler just cleared his throat and gave up, muttering, "I guess so. Your--your doctor would know, wouldn't he?"

Biting back his resentment, Chandler left and went over to Joey's place to sulk a while. He knew perfectly well that Monica's so-called allergy was just an excuse for her unreasonable hatred for the birds, and he couldn't understand why she couldn't be more flexible.

Why must she always win every fight? Why was he the one who always had to back down? What happened to the old Monica who was reasonable and far more sensible than everyone else? The Monica who was maternal and sweet and only slightly neurotic? He had no idea.

**Yes, I do love the birds a lot, and I think that Monica's prejudice against them is a sign of her being unable to treat Chandler with respect. In the seventh season, he claims to be allergic to dogs too, and yet Monica makes him feel guilty for not letting Clunkers the dog stay at the apartment. Thus spoiling another Thanksgiving for him. But everybody can read about this in "Why I Hate Monica" at Forever Fandom...**


	5. The Secret Videotape

As he tried to cool down from his fight with Monica, Chandler sat in Joey's living room and had a beer while he talked to the chick and the duck. "It's just, um..."

He was interrupted, though, when Rachel came home from work. She said, "Hi, Joey!" as she entered.

"No, it's me." Chandler turned around in the recliner so that she could see him.

"Oh, sorry. I just saw a guy in Joey's recliner and I assumed it was him."

"Yeah, well, I don't have my recliner over here anymore, so I had to borrow his." Chandler pointed to the empty spot where his recliner used to reside.A part of him wished that his recliner was still here and that he still lived with Joey.

The birds quacked and clucked, as if they felt the same. Chandler had been trying to explain to them delicately why they still weren't invited back to Monica's apartment, not even for Chandler's upcoming birthday party. The chick and the duck weren't very happy about it.

Rachel got a beer from the fridge, then came over and sat in one of the other chairs in the living room. "I don't like this chair," she said and made an annoyed face. "It's not very comfortable. Why couldn't you and Joey have bought a matching sofa and chair set like Monica has?"

Chandler felt insulted. "Hey, this stuff matches! Kind of." Then he looked around and shrugged as he realized how eclectic the décor was. "I don't know, I'm not a decorator. Besides, I wasn't thinking that clearly because I bought all this stuff in a hurry after I kissed Kathy. I just picked out anything that was comfortable or cool-looking."

"Well then I assume that this chair falls into the cool-looking category," she snarked.

Chandler grumbled, "Joey never complained about the furniture."

"Except when he said it was tainted by your betrayal," she reminded him. Rachel kept fidgeting as she tried to get comfortable in the chair, but it was not as soft and giving as she would have liked. In her opinion, the only decent seats in the place were the leather couch and Joey's recliner, but the couch didn't have a good view of the TV, and Joey was almost always on the recliner that he had named Rosita.

Chandler glanced at Rachel irritably. "If you like Monica's furniture so much, why don't you go move back in, huh? I bet Phoebe will be glad to trade rooms with you again."

"Oh, no, no, no! I've learned my lesson. If it was my old room that I was coming back to, then I'd be there in a heartbeat. But nope, my room has become the Hotel Monica guest room, with no lock on the door and a whole set of crazy new rules to live by."

Chandler felt like complaining about the crazy new rules as well, but instead he pouted and asked resentfully, "What, so you like living here with Joey? You sure didn't wanna move in with him when he first offered. And what about the mess? Back when we switched apartments, you kept whining about how dirty, small, and smelly it was over here."

Rachel shrugged. "Yeah, I know, and believe me, I have to make sure that Joey's not trying to peek at me when I'm dressing or showering. I had to fix that bedroom door for sure. But still, I think I'm beginning to appreciate the lack of rules here and why you liked having Joey for a roommate so much. I mean, I love Monica and all, but she has really become a lot more obsessed about cleaning lately."

"Yeah." Chandler hadn't realized that anyone else had noticed that besides him. Sure, Monica had always been anal about cleaning, but lately it seemed like she was becoming more shrill and freaky about it than ever before. He asked Rachel curiously, "And living with the birds doesn't bother you, either? You're not even tempted to kill the rooster when he crows early in the morning?"

Rachel grimaced. "Well, I certainly could live without the crowing, but I've started wearing ear plugs now when I go to bed. That also makes it easier to sleep through Joey having sex with his dates. Boy, how did you ever get any sleep at night, Chandler?"

Chandler shrugged and didn't reply. Sometimes he'd lie awake at night, listening in and imagining himself in Joey's place, making love to a hot girl. Except for when Joey's girlfriend was Kathy, and it was too painful to eavesdrop.

Just then, Joey arrived home and greeted them enthusiastically. "Hey!"

"Hey."

"Hi, Joe."

"Listen, Estelle got me an audition, and it's the lead for a TV show! I could be the star of my own show!"

"Oh, that's great, Joey!" Chandler got up from the chair and hugged him, while Rachel congratulated him too.

Then she added curiously, "What's the part?"

Joey was giddy with enthusiasm and felt proud. "It's so cool! I'd play a guy named Mac Machiavelli or 'Mac.' Yeah, I'm a detective and I solve crimes with the help of my robot partner. He's a," he struggled to remember the long name, "he's a Computerized Humanoid Electronically Enhanced Secret Enforcer or--or 'C.H.E.E.S.E.'"

Chandler and Rachel realized that this description sounded rather lame and corny, though they didn't want to let it show and make Joey feel bad.

Rachel asked, "So it's Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.?"

Joey gasped as if stunned. "That's the title! Yeah! You know, they really lucked out that the initials spell cheese."

"That is lucky," Chandler said with his best attempt to be deadpan. He wanted to warn Joey that the show sounded like a stinker, just like his movie in Vegas, but he also realized that Joey would probably get mad at him for not being supportive again. Well, why burst Joey's bubble if it was just an audition now and nothing was definite yet? Even if Joey got the part, it would at least mean a good paycheck for Joey. So he just patted Joey's shoulder wordlessly.

"Hey, Chandler, I'm glad you're here. I got some script pages for the audition. Do you think you have time to rehearse with me?"

Chandler hesitated, not sure if he could keep a straight face through all the lines. He looked at Rachel hopefully, "Well, maybe your new roommate--"

"No, no!" Rachel backed away. "No, sorry. I've, uh, I've gotta get ready for a--a big business meeting tomorrow at Ralph Lauren. Maybe some other time, Joey." She then took her beer and retreated into her bedroom, shutting the door.

That left Chandler alone with Joey.

"Come on, please? We could order some pizza and go through it. Or do you have to ask Monica if you can stay?"

"No," Chandler said, a bit forcefully. He hated feeling like he was a kid who had to ask his mom for permission to do anything. "Okay, um, I'll try to help you, but I may be a bit rusty at rehearsing."

"It's okay. Thanks."

So they ordered a Joey special and rehearsed for Joey's big audition. To get through it, Chandler pretended to himself that the bad dialogue was actually done on purpose and that when it was filmed, the director would make it clear that it was an ironic, campy show that played up the cheese for fun. After all, it was called _Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E._

Rachel went across the hall to have dinner with the others, so she could tell them Joey's good news and why Chandler was busy this evening. The gang came over briefly to congratulate Joey with excitement, but soon Monica feigned allergy symptoms because of the birds and said that everybody should get back to dinner across the hall. They followed their hostess and wished Joey good luck.

Chandler and Joey actually had a great time hanging out alone, almost like when they were roommates, and they even took a break to play some foosball too.

However, Chandler had to go home to Monica eventually, but luckily her mood had improved since he stormed out. They didn't fight again, although she remained a little distant and talked only of how, if Joey got the part, he might be able earn enough money to buy a new fridge and not steal so much food from them. Then they retired to bed.

* * *

After that, Chandler tried his best to get along with Monica and not resent her many nitpicky rules, or her lying about being allergic to the birds. She possibly thought it was nicer than flat out admitting that she hated the birds.

Phoebe was hard to live with as well, for she seemed irritable and bitchy, even writing a book about Chandler and Monica and claiming that it was about relationships and "the traps, the pitfalls, what not to do." They argued with her to stop it.

Phoebe also rebelled from Monica's oppressive rules by secretly having her massage clients come over while Monica and Chandler were at work.

When she got home, Monica would often complain suspiciously about Phoebe moving the furniture to accommodate her massage table, and would say that she didn't like strangers getting naked in her apartment. "Why can't you massage them at their own place?"

Phoebe would deny everything and say that she only gave massages at Joey's place, if at all. "Lately, when I'm here, I'm just busy writing more songs to play at Central Perk."

One evening, Chandler decided to escape all the tension between the women by going over to Joey's place again. He found no one in the apartment except for the chick and the duck, so he tried to hang out with them. The birds seemed to be upset with him, though, and they turned their backs on him as if he had betrayed them by moving out and living with Monica. It was almost as cold as how Marcel used to fight with and ignore Ross.

Chandler protested, "Oh come on, guys, it's not like I moved to Europe! I just moved across the hall! And we would have you over all the time if it weren't for... Monica's allergies."

The duck quacked at him skeptically, and Chandler gave in, feeling too guilty to perpetuate Monica's lies. "You're right. I could never lie to you. She hates you."

The phone rang then, which provided some distraction. He joked "Should I get that?" to the birds, then answered the phone. "Hello? Uh no, Joey's not here right now. Can I take a message?" It was about Joey coming back for a second audition for the part of Mac on the cable show.

"Yeah, okay, so the audition has been moved from 5:00 to 2:30? Okay, great. Bye." He hung up the phone and started to write the message on the Magna-Doodle on the door, but Monica walked in at the same time and forced him to jump out of the way.

Monica was startled and angry. "Ahh! Aren't you dressed yet?"

Chandler looked down at his clothes and answered sarcastically, "Am I naked again!"

She had no sense of humor. "We're supposed to meet my parents in 15 minutes for dinner."

He was annoyed by Monica's stern tone, but he gave in because she was probably just upset about Phoebe. Besides, Chandler did like that he was getting along better with Monica's parents since the incident at Thanksgiving. "Yeah, okay. I was just talking to the guys." He pointed at the birds and tried again to win her over, "Just look at them. I mean, is it okay if they come visit?"

Monica nearly sputtered with rage at the suggestion. "Wh! What about my allergies!"

Chandler sighed and frowned in defeat. "Oh right, your allergies."

Monica turned to go, feigning allergic symptoms again even though she had claimed it was a rash kind of allergy and not a sneezing kind of allergy. Chandler followed after her reluctantly, but before he closed the door, he turned back to the chick and duck and told them softly, "All her. She hates you."

He was so distracted by his disappointment and his need to get ready for dinner that Chandler didn't even realize that he hadn't finished the message for Joey.

* * *

Later, Joey was very angry at Chandler for making him miss the second audition, but eventually Chandler was able to make it up to him, and Joey got the part on _Mac & C.H.E.E.S.E._ He was very happy and hugged Chandler warmly. Glad to have Joey's forgiveness and friendship, Chandler missed the good old days and clung to him.

However, he clung too long or too tightly, and memories of their many embraces over the years came back to them.

Joey got a bit uncomfortable and asked, "Hey, do we do this too much?"

Chandler was embarrassed too. "I think so." He coughed. "Yeah, get off me."

"Yeah."

They gruffly let go of each other and moved away, trying to be macho. They went to tell the gang and celebrate Joey getting the part.

As the days grew closer to Chandler's birthday in April, Joey felt that he ought to give Chandler a really good present this year. After all, Chandler had not only helped him get the part as Mac, he had helped Joey keep it when Joey inadvertently got into a fight with the robot's creator. He could have been fired, if not for Chandler being there for him.

So Joey tried to think of a good birthday present for Chandler. Maybe he should buy an arcade game or two, because when Chandler first moved in with Monica, he kept talking about having a game room and buying classic arcade games to put in it. Since Monica wouldn't let Chandler have a game room over there, Joey could always offer to keep the arcade games at his place, with the foosball table, and they could have so much fun playing on them together.

Unfortunately, Joey remembered that he didn't have that much money to spend; he hadn't yet got his first paycheck from _Mac & C.H.E.E.S.E._, and after paying his monthly bills, his savings were low. Joey felt sad and frustrated. He began looking around his apartment for something else that he could give Chandler as a birthday present.

Joey finally found an old video camera in his bedroom; Joey had bought this camera with his money from his movie with Charlton Heston, and he remembered how he excitedly tried to videotape everything in London with it. He had also tried to videotape the birth of Phoebe's triplets before he came down with a bad case of kidney stones and had to miss it. And who could forget the time he caught Chandler and Monica trying to videotape sex in the living room while they were still having a secret affair. If only they weren't interrupted and he had got to see that tape!

With a grin, Joey finally had an idea for a present. He would videotape a special message to Chandler, telling him what a great friend he was, and how much he missed him as a roommate. Then he could promise to buy him an arcade game once he had the money. "That's it! He'll love it."

Pleased with himself, Joey then searched for a blank videotape to put into the camera. He only found his old videos of Baywatch, porn, and his own home-made porn, though. Maybe he ought to go to the store and buy a bunch of new tapes.

However, then Joey found a tape in the back of a drawer. It wasn't labeled, so he put it into the camera to watch it and find out whether it was empty or unimportant. However, he when he saw the screen, he suddenly realized what it was and stopped the tape.

Shaking all over, Joey gulped and put the camera down, feeling upset and uneasy. Oh God, why hadn't he thrown the tape away? Or erased it? Why?

But part of him already knew why. He had just been in denial all this time, trying to ignore it and pretend it didn't happen, and it didn't mean anything. Joey miserably lay down on the bed and started to cry. He felt so lonely and scared and guilty.

**Up next, Chandler's 30th birthday and what's on that mysterious tape. Also, if it seems unfair that I saddled Monica with the dispute over Phoebe secretly giving massages, please remember that on the show when Ross complained about her giving massages at his apartment, he asked whether Monica and Chandler knew that Phoebe had been giving massages at their place. She gave a guilty look and changed the subject.**


	6. Chandler's 30th Birthday

**In the season 7 episode where They All Turn Thirty, Rachel turns 30, while everyone else remembers their own 30th birthdays in the past. We get only a brief glimpse of Chandler's birthday in that episode, but he later complains to Joey, "For my last birthday, you gave me a hug."**

**I'm only guessing, but I'm going to set Chandler's 30th birthday in late season 6. There are a couple of episodes in the show which suggest that Chandler's birthday is in April. In 518, the gang throws Rachel a surprise birthday party a month early, and she remarks that "Chandler's birthday is even before mine!" In 617, two weeks after Valentine's Day, Monica mentions to Chandler, "Your birthday is in a month-and-a-half."**

Chandler's 30th birthday party wasn't much fun. For one thing, the chick and the duck weren't there, even to just drop by for five minutes. Monica just wouldn't back down on her ban, no matter what.

His other friends ruined his birthday party as well. Phoebe had continued to fight with Monica, and she also kept making jokes about Chandler being whipped and effeminate. It was mean-spirited rather than playful, and Chandler felt too bitter to give a sarcastic comeback.

Plus, Ross was upset that Rachel kept dating Elizabeth's dad, even though Ross found it uncomfortable. Just weeks earlier, Ross had briefly dated Rachel's sister Jill, but he had agreed to end it when Rachel insisted that it freaked her out. Rachel wouldn't do Ross the same courtesy, and her attempt to get Paul to like Ross hadn't worked at all. But still, she insisted that Ross had no right to tell her who to date.

"Then why do you have the right to make me back off?" he asked.

"Because that was my sister! It was creepy!"

"And this isn't!"

Chandler tried to be sympathetic to Ross's problem, but the argument was spoiling the party. Also, he found himself reminded of his unequal relationship with Monica. How she always made him compromise and give in to her will, but she wouldn't do him the same courtesy.

Joey was acting very weird and distant too. He got drunk and silently moped in a corner, and when they asked him what was wrong, Joey didn't want to answer. When they insisted, Joey just whined to God like he had whined at his own 30th birthday. "It's just... we're all getting so old! Why are you doing this to us! We had a deal."

They rolled their eyes and left him alone.

After cake, Chandler sat down to open his presents and get the horrible party over with. Monica's present was a package of filters for the water purifier. What the hell? And he couldn't even complain, or she wouldn't give him any sex tonight, even on his birthday.

Rachel had got him something obviously stolen from Ralph Lauren. Ross had bought him some ugly souvenir from his Spring Break trip with Elizabeth.

For her gift, Phoebe had composed a song about how Chandler was "the queen of everything" and she started to play it on her guitar. Great, more gay jokes at his expense! It wasn't funny anymore.

Chandler got up angrily and demanded that everyone leave.

"Wait, what about Joey's present?" Monica said. She actually looked cross at him, as if he were being rude and it was his fault that his party was such a disaster.

"Fine." He gritted his teeth. He turned to Joey and sighed, hoping that maybe his best friend might have got him something that could make up for this disappointing birthday. "Joe, what did you get me?"

Joey blushed and looked away, fidgeting in his chair. "Oh, um, I-I was gonna give it to you later."

Chandler was annoyed and hurt at first, but then he understood. "Oh!" He blinked and lowered his voice tactfully, "You haven't got paid for _Mac & C.H.E.E.S.E._ yet, right? Oh, that's okay, Joe. You didn't have to get me anything. Maybe next year." He moved to hug Joey tenderly.

Joey flinched and started to cry, though he turned away to hide his tears.

"Joe? Joey, you all right?"

Joey wouldn't answer, moaning while the others wondered whether Joey was just having another fit about his deal with God to not get older.

Chandler decided to escort Joey back to his apartment. "Come on." He put an arm around him and pulled him out of the chair.

Monica and the others started to clean up after the party.

* * *

At Joey's apartment, Chandler even walked Joey to his bed so he could sit down and hold Hugsy for comfort. "It's okay."

Joey felt bad and tried to apologize to him. "I-I really was gonna get you a present. I was! Not just a hug."

Chandler sat down on the edge of the bed. "Yeah? What were you gonna get me?"

Joey hesitated, looking worried, but then he said, "I-I was gonna get you an arcade game."

Chandler cheered up considerably. "Yeah? For a game room? Wow, that would be great!" But then his face fell. "Oh, but--but, Monica wouldn't let me have it."

"I could keep it for you, here."

Chandler laughed happily and hugged Joey tightly. "Of course! Thanks, Joe."

Joey got uncomfortable again and pulled away, clutching Hugsy.

Chandler thought he was just sad to not have the money yet, so he patted Joey's arm reassuringly. "It's all right, Joe. You can get it for me later, when you have the money. We can pick it out together. Should we get Space Invaders or Asteroids?"

Joey was too sad to be excited, and he broke down again.

"Joe?" Chandler moved closer.

Joey wept wretchedly and hid behind Hugsy. He whispered, "I-I miss you, Chandler. I wish you still lived here."

Touched, Chandler looked very serious and nodded. "I wish I did too."

"Yeah?" he looked up at Chandler through his tears and wondered if Chandler might come back to him.

Chandler hugged him again and added, "But don't tell Monica."

At her name, Joey moaned and turned away. He lay down and pulled the covers over him.

Chandler was concerned and wouldn't let go of him. He leaned over Joey and asked him what was wrong.

Joey told him to just go back to his party, but Chandler shook his head firmly. "No way! Come on, what is it? Are you just thinking again about--about when I moved out, huh? The end of an era?" Chandler remembered how much Joey had cried then, and made up silly nicknames for them, like J-man and Channie. It was actually kind of comforting to know that he meant that much to Joey. "I'm still here, Joe. I'm still here for you."

Still crying, Joey couldn't take it anymore, with Chandler so close. "I-I remember," he whispered.

"What?" Chandler rubbed his arm soothingly.

"That night, when we..." Joey trailed off and gulped, unable to say it. So he pointed to his bedside table, where the video camera and the tape rested. "I-I found it."

Chandler didn't understand. "What? The camera?"

"The tape," Joey said, then broke down crying again.

Chandler remained confused, but guessed that the tape must be something important. So he picked up the video camera and put the tape in to play it.

It took him a little while to recognize the contents, but when he remembered, he stared in horror and nearly dropped the camera. He thought that this tape didn't exist, that it had been erased, but here it was, out of nowhere.

* * *

It was a video of their first night in London. After going through customs and leaving the airport, Joey, Chandler, Monica, Ross, and the Gellers finally checked into the Marriott at around 10:00 pm, London time. Feeling jet lagged after the six hour flight, Mr. and Mrs. Geller decided to go to bed, but the others wanted to go out on the town and have fun. The gang were still on New York time, and Joey wanted to try out his new video camera.

After dropping off their luggage in the hotel rooms, the young friends hailed a cab outside and piled into the backseat. Joey already started recording with his video camera, getting shots of the cab.

"Where to, then?" asked their driver.

Monica said, "Well, we're not sure yet, sir."

"Call me Angus."

"Angus?" Joey found that a odd name.

"It's an old Scottish name," Angus explained to his camera. "But I was born and bred here in London."

Monica continued, "Well, Angus, we hoped that you could recommend a place to us. Do you know any good pubs?"

Angus glanced them over and said that there were a number of good pubs in London, "but they all close in an 'our, though."

"What!" They were quite shocked, and Ross even glanced at his watch, asking what time it was, because maybe they had miscalculated the time-zone difference from New York.

"It's 10 o'clock," Angus replied. "I knew you lot must be from the States, from the way you talked. That's why I warned you. Americans always think that closing time's not until 2."

"Well, that's the way it is in New York, and we thought London would be the same."

"Why didn't Emily tell you?" Chandler asked.

Ross only shrugged, having been more concerned about discussing wedding plans with his bride lately.

Joey pouted and complained to their driver, "Yeah, what's wrong with you Brits? Don't you drink late?"

Angus said a little more gruffly, "Don't let the locals hear you talk like that, mate. And besides, we prefer to be called English."

Chandler shushed Joey for his outburst and told him to go back to videotaping, while the others sighed with disappointment. "Well, what are we gonna do now? Go back to our rooms?"

Angus said, "Well, if you want to drink late, you'd have to go to one of them clubs that stay open into the morning, but they're very expensive."

They conferred among themselves for a moment, then Ross said for them, "Well, maybe we won't stay out really late, then. We do have to get up in the morning. So I guess we'll try a pub, if you can recommend one."

"All right, then. Seeing as you've got less than an 'our now to drink, I'll take you to the nearest one with a decent pint."

So Angus drove them to a pub called the Wheatsheaf, where they got a table together and ordered pints of Boddington's from the barman. They toasted Ross on his wedding, then sipped the beer, which was bitter and distinctly different from any American brew.

"Good Lord, that's excellent beer!" Chandler said, and the others nodded in astonished agreement.

Joey even cheered, "London, baby!" yet again. He drank up his pint heartily and soon asked for another one.

His friends grinned and told him to slow down, but he replied that they didn't have much time before the pub closed tonight, so they might as well get as much Boddington's as they could. So Chandler and Joey got up to buy more pints from the barman and fetch them back to the table. When they returned from the bar, Chandler took his seat and joked about the English accent of the barman, who wanted to be called that, and not a bartender.

The others commented on Angus's accent too, and soon the friends were playfully doing their best impersonations of the cab driver, while Joey played back a little of his videotape to judge against.

As they joked around and enjoyed the superb beer, they all wished that Phoebe and Rachel could be here to enjoy it with them.

"But Phoebe shouldn't be drinking anyway, because she's pregnant," Monica said.

Joey then saw a hot woman at the bar and went over to flirt with her. She found him charming at first, until he made some not-so-subtle innuendos about using his camera to film a sex video of them back in his hotel room. The woman found this far too forward, and threw a drink in his face.

Joey slunk back to the table, while his friends laughed at him and recalled the time that they threw water in Joey's face because of his soap opera stalker. Chandler teased that maybe his "How you doin'?" line didn't work universally after all.

Emboldened by the beer, Monica also began flirting with an attractive local who kept eyeing her from the bar. Ross grew concerned about this, because this guy was a complete stranger. Monica reminded him that she always had a fantasy to fall in love with someone from a strange land, and it might is well be an Englishman.

"If you can live out my fantasy with Emily, so can I."

Joey and Chandler told Ross to relax; maybe all she wanted was just to get a hot date to take to the wedding, because her mother Judy had kept harping on her still being single, while Ross was getting married for the second time.

"I guess you're right." Still, Ross watched them talking from afar and wondered if he could get Emily to scrounge up a male friend to be Monica's date instead.

"You mean like one of those big rugby guys?"

Ross frowned and recalled how intimidating and tough those guys were. "Um, on second thought, maybe not."

Then Joey said that they ought to get Ross really drunk tonight, since he was getting married this weekend.

Chandler protested, "But we already had a bachelor party back home."

"I know, but if there's two best men, then why can't we have two parties? Besides, it just doesn't feel right, him going into his wedding without a hangover."

They laughed and shook their heads.

Everyone was still enjoying themselves immensely, when they heard the warning that the pub was about to close. They groaned and rose to get Monica and leave. However, Clive, the man she had been flirting with, said that he was going to a club next, and asked if they wanted to come along with him. (Actually, he only asked if Monica wanted to come along, but she included her friends in the invitation.)

So they all left and walked to a nearby club, which was indeed expensive to get into, but Joey insisted that the fine alcohol was worth it. So they went in together and claimed a table for their group, while a couple of them fetched drinks again.

As they sat down and drank, Clive said that, because they came when the club first opened, it wasn't very crowded yet, nor was it too loud.

Joey, Chandler, and Ross had recently been to a very loud, very hip club in New York, and they said that they preferred their clubs to be more quiet and relaxed.

They all chatted about London for a while, and about Ross's wedding.

Then the live band on the stage started playing louder rock music, and groups of people jumped up to dance on the open floor.

Joey pointed his camera at the band and at the lively dancing. Clive asked Monica to dance, so they joined the crowds and enthusiastically bopped to the beat. Ross also decided to dance, to keep an eye on them, and they danced as group.

Chandler at first was too shy to dance, so Joey told him to hold the camera for him while he joined the others. Joey danced on the edge of the group, while keeping on the lookout for any attractive single women that he could mingle with.

After a while, Chandler felt lonely at the table and had enough drinks to decide that he ought to take a turn as well. So he got up and passed the camera back to Joey, then danced quite comically, flailing his limbs while Joey recorded him and laughed.

But surprisingly, Monica and Ross actually topped Chandler in bad dancing that night. When the band took a break later and the dj put on some retro '80s music, Ross started doing silly dances from his geeky youth. Monica followed her brother's example and played up to Joey's camera, while hoping to impress Clive with her moves.

Soon Monica and Ross even started doing a dance routine from their childhood that was incredibly dorky and embarrassing. Many people in the crowd turned and stared at the siblings in wonder; Clive laughed, thinking they were kidding around. But Monica felt hurt and angry, so she stormed off the dance floor without finishing the routine. Clive tried to apologize, but she wanted to go, grabbing her purse and heading for the door.

The rest of the gang decided that they better go back to the hotel now, so they left the club and hailed another cab. At the Marriott, Monica and Ross still discussed their dance routine as they headed upstairs. They felt perplexed as to why people would stare and laugh, but they decided that maybe British people just had different tastes in dancing.

Chandler meanwhile was so drunk by that time, that he couldn't even walk properly. Joey supported Chandler with one arm as they went back to their shared room, and then he casually pushed Chandler onto one of the two beds. He couldn't remember now which ones they had agreed to sleep in. "You okay, or you think you need to throw up?"

"I'm great!" Chandler replied and lay back against the pillows with a goofy smile.

At that time, the videotape in Joey's camera ran out, so he took it out and put a new blank one in. Then he got an idea and sat down on Chandler's bed excitedly. "Hey, hey, Chandler! Let's make a tape for the chick and the duck."

"What? Why?"

"Come on! It'll be cool." Joey resumed recording and pointed the camera at his face. He waved to the lens. "Hey, guys! We miss you! I hope you're having fun with Phoebe and Rachel!"

Chandler laughed. "What, are you gonna mail this home to them? I bet we'll get home before the tape does."

Joey turned to face him. "Maybe you could put it on your computer and email it to them."

"I didn't bring my laptop."

"Aw! Why not? You only use it for games and porn."

Chandler laughed and shrugged. "I didn't wanna lug it here, or lose it. Besides, I don't know how to hook up a camera to my computer."

"Aw, man. But there must be a way. How do all those porn videos get on the internet?"

Chandler just laughed. "I don't know."

Disappointed, Joey put down the camera on the nightstand, but he forgot to turn it off. "Well what are we gonna do now? I don't want to go to sleep!"

"I don't know. Let's watch TV."

"Oh, oh! Let's rent some porn!"

Chandler chuckled.

Joey got an even better idea. "Oh, oh! We can get some hookers."

He laughed long and hard, almost hurting himself, before answering, "Al-always illegal, Joe."

Joey looked let down again. "Really? But we're in another country. It doesn't count."

Chandler mocked Joey for his crazy logic, and Joey mocked him for his crazy dancing at the club. They both laughed, and Chandler teased him with a fake accent, "Yeah, guv'nor. We drive on the wrong side of the road, and 'ookers are legal!"

Joey shoved him lightly, and Chandler shoved back, until they started wrestling on the bed. Joey tickled Chandler until he was breathless.

Chandler fought him off at last, then Joey lay back and smiled at him fondly. "We're gonna have the best time in London! We're gonna see all the sights, and we're gonna rent _Die Hard_..."

"And we're gonna drink more Boddington's!" Chandler added, finally catching his breath.

Joey agreed and cheered, "Yeah! London, baby!"

Chandler nodded at the now familiar phrase, but felt bad for how irritable he had been on the flight to London. He met Joey's eyes and murmured, "Hey, I'm--I'm sorry I was mad on the plane, Joe. It was just, Monica being all intense about packing, and then her mom and dad looking at me weird the whole time, like they hated me..."

Joey understood. "Yeah, I know. And Mrs. Geller was kind of mean to Monica too. She kept saying that Monica was probably never gonna get married."

"Yeah," Chandler nodded and winced at that unpleasantness. He sighed in relief. "I'm glad you're here, Joe. If it was just me and the Geller family, I couldn't take it. I'd go nuts."

Joey grinned. "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if it was just us on this trip, huh?"

"Yeah. Just us. You and me." They looked at each other wistfully, as if imagining how perfect that would be. Chandler caressed Joey's cheek lightly, then Joey impulsively leaned in and kissed him.

He just did it, and enjoyed the softness and warmth of Chandler's lips. Closing his eyes, Chandler kissed him back and pulled Joey nearer. They kept kissing as if it was the most natural thing in the world, and they opened their mouths, tasting the beer on each other's breaths. They drank each other in, and Chandler sighed passionately, "Joe."

"I want you," Joey said and kissed him until he moaned. After making out for several moments, they started moving against each other and fumbling with their clothes. They both were becoming rather hot and breathless, still never knowing that they were being recorded by the camera. Unfortunately, before they could get naked or do much, their drunkenness overcame them and they passed out, although Joey stayed conscious a little longer, kissing Chandler's neck.

The video camera kept recording them until the tape ran out. That was their first night in London.


	7. The Truth About London

Seeing enough of the tape, Chandler turned off the camera and threw it on the bed, panicking. He looked at Joey again and understood now why he was sobbing.

"Oh God," he said in shock. "Oh God." Then he stood up and stumbled out of the bedroom, and out of the apartment.

Joey glanced up when Chandler left, then lay back down again. He clutched Hugsy hopelessly and remembered again what had happened after that first night in London. He had misunderstood it all the first time around.

* * *

In the morning, Joey woke up alone in bed and still wearing most of his clothes from the night before. He thought he must have collapsed before he could get undressed; Joey had no memory of what had happened after he and Chandler came back to their hotel room that night.

Rubbing his eyes, Joey rolled over and saw that the other bed was empty. He heard Chandler vomiting violently in the bathroom and assumed it was due to a hangover.

Joey sat up slowly and groaned, trying to recover from his own headache. After a while, he saw the video camera by the bed and reached for it. When he grabbed it, his fingers accidentally pushed the eject button, which popped out the current videotape. He noticed that the tape was wound all the way to the end, so he must have used it all up at the pub and the club.

Joey got up to put the tape away into his camera bag, then he put a new blank one in. He and Chandler planned to go sightseeing today, and he wanted to have enough tape.

"Chandler?" Joey called out. "Chandler, you okay?"

Chandler didn't answer, and the door was locked. Joey decided to get dressed and go borrow Ross or Monica's bathroom.

By the time that Joey came back, Chandler had exited the bathroom and cleaned himself up a little. Wearing rumpled clothes from last night too, he sat on the bed and looked rather pale.

Joey went to sit next to him with concern. "Hey, you just wanna stay here today?"

Chandler pulled away from him sharply. "No! No I don't!" Avoiding Joey's eyes, he got up and went to grab some fresh clothes, then returned to the bathroom to change.

Joey was surprised by Chandler's abrupt manner, but he shrugged and got ready to go sightseeing. When Chandler came out, Joey said, "Come on, I got the camera and the map. Let's go down to breakfast first, and then we'll go walking to all the places."

Chandler looked startled by the sight of the camera, and he grimaced. "D-d-don't you think you taped enough last night?" he asked almost accusingly.

"Huh?" Joey was confused. "That was just us drinking some Boddington's and you guys dancing bad in the club. We still got three whole days in London left to tape. Come on! You got the room key?"

He then headed downstairs to breakfast, while Chandler followed him anxiously; he seemed to be staring at Joey oddly. They met the others for breakfast and chatted about their plans for the day. Chandler still acted sullen and withdrawn, although Joey believed this was due to his hangover and to Mr. and Mrs. Geller seeming unfriendly to Chandler.

After breakfast, the group broke up and departed the hotel. Ross and Monica went to meet Emily and see the location for the wedding, while the Gellers went off to tour London.

Joey and Chandler went sightseeing together, but all that day, Chandler acted cold and distant to him, like he was uncomfortable being around him. Joey tried to enjoy the sights and ignore Chandler's irritability, but Chandler also kept trying to take the video camera away, and Joey had to fight him off a few times. They bickered for much of the day, then had a big fight over a silly hat, and Chandler finally stormed off back to the hotel.

When Joey came back to the hotel later and showed him his videotape of meeting Fergie, Chandler calmed down a little and tried to make up with him. Joey hugged him to show there were no hard feelings, but this made Chandler get jumpy all over again and he left without saying where he was going. Alone, Joey got homesick and sad; they didn't see each other again until the rehearsal dinner, where Chandler was still acting mean, so Joey spent the night with the bridesmaid Felicity to make himself feel better.

Joey didn't have much contact with Chandler for the rest of the trip, actually, because Chandler was still apparently avoiding him as much as he could.

* * *

It wasn't until they got home from London that Joey finally began to understand what had really happened between him and Chandler. As Joey unpacked his stuff in his bedroom, he pulled out all his used videotapes from the trip and viewed them one by one so that he could label the videos and show them to his friends and family later. Joey was deeply shocked to discover footage of them drunkenly kissing and touching in bed.

"What the--? Whoa!" With its images and sounds, the tape triggered vivid memories in him of that night, and he could almost taste and feel Chandler again. This terrified him.

Stopping the tape, Joey jumped up and paced around his room frenetically. Then his eyes widened and he gasped, realizing now why Chandler had acted so strange the next day in London. He must have remembered what they did, and was freaked out about waking up in the same bed. That must be why Chandler went and vomited in the bathroom, and why he didn't want to be near Joey. Maybe he even assumed that Joey remembered too and was coming onto him again. When Chandler eventually realized that Joey was oblivious, he must have decided not to tell him.

Joey groaned unhappily. Chandler probably wouldn't have gone sightseeing with him that day if it hadn't been for the video camera. Not realizing that Joey had changed tapes already, Chandler wanted to grab the incriminating tape and destroy it before Joey or anyone else could see it. But they kept fighting all day, until Chandler gave up and went back to the hotel room.

Later, Joey returned and showed him the sightseeing videotape. Chandler at last stopped trying to take the camera from him, so maybe thought that Joey had recorded over the tape of them in bed and all was safe.

Safe! Joey was completely freaked out and confused now. What should he do? Get rid of the tape? Should he ask Chandler about that night and try to apologize? But talking to him about it, bringing up this strange and delicate subject, made Joey gulp.

After much fear and indecision, Joey just threw the tape into the back of a drawer, so that he wouldn't have to look at it anymore and no one else could find it lying around. Maybe later, when he could think clearly, Joey would be able to figure out what to do with it.

In the weeks following Joey's disturbing discovery, Chandler kept acting guilty and mysterious, like he had a big secret since London. This made Joey wonder if Chandler had maybe turned gay after that night and was seeing someone that he didn't want the gang to know about. Then Chandler took a business trip to Atlantic City and apparently left behind an eyelash curler in his hotel room, which made Joey all the more suspicious, and he even asked Chandler if he had been on a gay cruise, but Chandler denied it angrily.

Of course it turned out that Chandler was really with Monica, which shocked Joey when he found out. But once he thought about it further, it was actually a great relief. Chandler must be straight then, and London was just a fluke. They were just drunk and the tape meant nothing.

Thus reassured, Joey calmed down and dated various women as usual. He kept Chandler and Monica's secret for them, even though the burden was frustrating and annoying sometimes. He only had Hugsy to confide in, until all the rest of the gang found out. Things started to feel normal again, and Joey moved on with his life.

He forgot about the videotape for a long time, but now he had found it again. Now it was real once more. It was like a message from some other world. Joey sobbed and didn't know how to handle the strange feelings that the memories stirred in him. He missed Chandler so much, and he ached for him in a way that he really, really shouldn't. Joey didn't know what to do. Maybe Chandler was still disgusted with him and that was why he ran away, again.


	8. No More Excuses

**Actually, no, they didn't have sex, bella. They did some necking and tentative touching, then fell asleep together. Anyway, looking back, I noticed that the London episode shows Joey handing Chandler the video camera just outside the hotel, so please imagine that he didn't do that or else that Chandler was so distracted by Joey's pop-up map of London, that he didn't get a chance to take out the tape from the camera. Hey, if the Friends writers can rewrite and reinterpret London events, so can I.**

**Now back to the present day, and the aftermath of Chandler's 30th birthday**.

Chandler returned to the other apartment, not realizing that Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe still hadn't left yet. He walked right into them just when he felt upset and vulnerable. They asked him what was wrong, but he couldn't face them now and desperately demanded again that they all get out.

Monica said, "Chandler! What's going on?"

Without a word, he stormed into the bathroom and slammed the door, locking it. Then Chandler sank to the floor and cried miserably. This was too much for him to bear. They heard him and kept knocking on the door inquiringly, but he ignored them.

Sitting on the cool tile floor, Chandler shivered and remembered how he had locked himself in the bathroom in London too. It was so long ago now, but seeing the tape had refreshed his memory of those days.

* * *

In the hotel, Chandler woke up in bed and felt his head throbbing painfully. He found Joey curled up around him, and they were both partly undressed. Shocked and disturbed, he pushed Joey off him and sat up, but felt instantly queasy.

So Chandler dashed out of bed and into the bathroom, where he vomited for many minutes. Meanwhile, his mind had intermittent flashes of last night's activities, and how they had made out in bed. It terrified him. When Joey called out to him and knocked at the door, Chandler jumped and didn't answer him. Then he was relieved to hear Joey leaving the room, and hoped that he wouldn't be back for a long time.

Once his stomach finally settled, Chandler rose slowly and began to clean up. As he washed his face and glimpsed himself in the mirror, he felt so lost and confused. Then he rinsed out his mouth and drank some water.

Leaving the bathroom at last, Chandler went over and sat upon the neat, unused bed. He stared at the other bed that Joey hadn't bothered to straighten up yet. There, among those bedcovers, they had been tangled up together. There, they had crossed the line from best friends and roommates into something more intimate.

Trembling, Chandler gulped anxiously and tried to rationalize things. He couldn't be gay. Not like his dad. Not after all this time. He told himself that he had just been incredibly drunk last night, like when he had kissed a guy in a bar in Atlantic City, and it didn't mean anything. Chandler told himself that he didn't like kissing Joey at all, that in fact he was so disgusted, he had vomit at the memory. But a nagging part of his brain knew that this wasn't really true; the kisses were amazing, and his sickness came from his hangover. Chandler just covered his face and tried harder to believe in his excuses.

Suddenly, Joey returned to the room and startled him. Chandler wanted to hide, but Joey sat next to him and unnerved him by asking if he wanted to stay in their room today.

"No! No I don't!" Chandler got up and quickly grabbed some clothes to change into; he decided to leave the hotel by himself and try to clear his head by walking.

But evidently Joey misunderstood him, and thought they were going sightseeing together as planned. Chandler would have tried to get out of it, if not for the video camera that Joey brandished.

Blinking, Chandler vaguely recalled that Joey had been recording something in bed last night, and as far as he knew, their kisses might have been taped too. Chandler got scared and almost outright accused Joey of having recorded them in the act.

Joey didn't get his meaning, though, and only mentioned their activities at the pub and the club. In fact, Chandler started to notice Joey's overall oblivious behavior, so maybe Joey didn't even remember making out. If only he couldn't remember either.

Chandler reluctantly followed Joey down to breakfast, still watching him with worry and suspicion, and after they exited the hotel, Chandler tried to convince Joey to give him the camera and let him see the tape, but Joey wouldn't.

That day, they toured many sights of London, all while bickering about Joey being too enthusiastic and Chandler being too grumpy. Finally they fought over Joey buying a touristy hat, and this was the last straw for Chandler, who returned to the hotel to mope.

Back in their room, Chandler didn't even switch on the lights as he entered, and for several moments he just stood staring at the bed that they had slept in. The maid service had clearly tidied up while they were out, leaving both the beds neat and pristine, as if nothing strange had happened at all. But this was only an illusion, and he could still feel the weight of last night in the air.

So Chandler dejectedly walked to the other bed again and sank down on it. Resigned to the idea that sooner or later Joey was going to rewind that tape and discover what had happened, he wondered how Joey would react. Would he get angry or scared? Would he be disgusted and vomit too? Would he even want to move out when they got home?

Dreading a messy, painful confrontation with Joey, Chandler lay down on the bed and moaned unhappily. He huddled under the covers and closed his eyes, wishing that he could somehow turn back time and make things all right again. He hated himself for being so screwed up and so stupid when drunk.

Lying there in the darkness for a long time, Chandler inadvertently fell asleep and had an intimate dream about Joey. He was alone in bed, when Joey came back with a smile and climbed in beside him. Joey kissed him again, as if all was forgiven and everything was fine. Chandler felt surprised, but soon relaxed and responded to his warm laughter. There was no need to worry or be scared about the tape; Joey just repeated, "I want you," in his ear. They embraced each other and began to undress, getting lost in the passion.

Chandler woke with a start and gasped, almost believing that his dream had been real. But no, he was still alone and dressed. Besides, Joey wasn't gay. Joey was just drunk last night and didn't know what he was doing. He didn't even remember.

Troubled by his gay dream, Chandler quickly got out of bed and took a cold shower in the bathroom, not that it did much good. After he had dried off and dressed again, he still struggled with his feelings. Chandler made the bed, then tried to find distraction by watching TV or playing cards, but he remained lonely and preoccupied.

He hoped that there was still a chance to somehow salvage the situation. Maybe when Joey came back, Chandler could say to him, "I'm sorry. I was drunk. It will never happen again. Please forgive me." Maybe they could still be friends and roommates.

When Joey did return that afternoon, though, he remained as oblivious as before. Still angry at Chandler about their fights while sightseeing, Joey showed him and Monica his video of meeting Fergie that day. Then Monica had to leave with Ross to fix a wedding crisis, and they were alone again. Joey continued to boast about other people he had met and other places he had seen in London, as if to say, "I didn't need you. I had a great time."

Chandler was stunned that Joey was still unaware about last night, so when Joey finally paused and left to use the bathroom for a few minutes, Chandler grabbed the camera and frantically rewound the tape to the beginning.

There was no trace of them in bed. He searched throughout the tape, but still discovered nothing incriminating. Apparently Joey had recorded over it already with his sightseeing. Chandler was quite relieved by his luck.

When Joey came out again, he was initially angry to see Chandler messing around with his camera, but Chandler quickly and humbly apologized. He went over to Joey and said he was also very sorry for being so moody and grumpy earlier that day. "I-I guess it was my hangover or something. Can we make up, please?"

Joey was surprised and confused, but he guessed that maybe Chandler had a change of heart after seeing his irritable behavior caught on tape. He seemed sincere, and Joey didn't like fighting, so he shrugged and smiled with forgiveness. "Okay. Come here." He hugged Chandler close.

But this warm embrace made Chandler feel inappropriate desires again, and he abruptly pulled away. Avoiding Joey's eyes, Chandler blushed and coughed, saying that he had to go now.

"What? Where?"

"I-I just have to go... out. I'll see you at the rehearsal dinner." Then he left and nervously went out walking once more. After a while he got onto a double decker bus to brood, silently repeating to himself all his excuses again about why he wasn't and couldn't be gay. Chandler even tried to pick up a girl to prove that he wasn't gay, but as usual, he had no luck with women.

At the rehearsal dinner that evening, things were still awkward with Joey, and to make it worse, no one even laughed at Chandler's best man toast. When Joey started flirting with the bridesmaid named Felicity, Chandler envied both Joey's skill with women and his blissful ignorance about last night.

After more failed attempts to flirt with Englishwomen, Chandler decided to hang out with Monica, who was feeling depressed by her mother's constant criticisms, and by a drunk man mistaking her for Ross's mother. They comforted each other as friends for a while, but eventually Monica got drunk enough that she wanted to have sex and feel good about herself again. She came to his hotel room and kissed him.

Chandler had a twinge of guilt about this, but he also badly needed to get Joey out of his head, so he kissed her back and they spent the night together. It both surprised and reassured Chandler how good the sex turned out to be. Without knowing it, Monica helped him forget about Joey and feel normal again.

* * *

Chandler felt far from normal now. He was shaking all over and sobbing fiercely. Oh God. How could Joey have a tape of that first night in London? How? Chandler couldn't understand this, nor cope with it.

Outside the bathroom, Monica and the others were still asking him what was wrong. "Are you upset about the party?"

"It wasn't that bad!"

"We'll get you new presents."

He ignored them and pulled his knees up to his face, to muffle his tears. For so long, Chandler had convinced himself that the London memory wasn't real, that maybe it was all just a drunken dream and didn't actually happen. Maybe it was just like his dream about the strippers, which had suddenly veered off course from a lesbian orgiastic fantasy into a gay nightmare, with a strange man touching him familiarly. He just had to do his best to wake up from it and not think of it ever again.

But the videotape was proof that he couldn't possibly deny. It made the incident felt very close again, like it was only yesterday.

"Chandler, come on! Let us in, or I'll get my tools and take off the doorknob."

Hearing that threat, Chandler came to the door and yelled back, "Go away! I don't wanna see anybody."

"But we're worried about you."

"Yeah, and we're sorry."

Chandler insisted, "I don't wanna talk to you!"

Monica sighed and thought maybe he'd respond better if the others left. So she suggested that they go to Joey's place and see how he was doing, but Chandler overheard this.

He threw open the door and told them, "No! Leave him alone. Why can't you leave anybody alone?"

They didn't understand why he was so defensive. "We just want to know you're all right."

"And Joey too."

"Hey, does this have anything to do with what Joey was crying about at the party?" Ross asked, guessing that their mutual distress must be related somehow. "Did he tell you some bad news or something?"

Phoebe added, "Yeah, what really happened? I don't think Joey was just upset about getting older."

"Go away!" Chandler tried to shut the door again, but they were close enough to block him this time. He pushed past them all and ran to the master bedroom, but Monica followed him inside.

He cried on the bed, while she turned on the light and approached him. "Chandler? It's just me now, okay? Please tell me what's wrong."

He didn't answer her, huddling under the covers. She sat down on the bed and reached to touch him, but he rolled away from her and moaned.

"Chandler, come on. Why are you taking this so hard? Ross and Rachel didn't mean any harm; they're just, you know, caught up in their own crap now, and fighting like they always do. And Phoebe--well, she has no tact, and she writes songs about little black curly hairs! Besides, she's been trying to antagonize both of us since she moved in. If you just can't take it anymore, then maybe we should tell her to move out and go stay with Ross instead. Would that make you feel better?" She reached to pat his head gently, but he again retreated from her touch and continued to sob.

Monica felt rather frustrated at being unable to soothe him at all, and at the same time, her obsessive nature became increasingly irked by the mess he was making of the sheets and pillows. Compulsively, she cleared her throat and offered him a tissue box. "Honey, at least use some Kleenex, okay?"

He took the box from her, but didn't come out from underneath the bedcovers.

She felt better, though, to be regaining some control of the situation, so she decided to tackle another dirty distraction that was annoying her. She pulled back the lower corner of the duvet and grabbed hold of his ankles, while helpfully explaining, "I'm just gonna take off your shoes and put 'em away for you."

When Monica did that, she unfortunately reminded Chandler of something he had just seen in the videotape from London. Joey had Chandler's shirt half unbuttoned, playfully kissing and caressing his nipples while teasing him about the nubbin that had been removed by a doctor. Chandler kicked him lightly, and Joey sat up with a smile, catching hold of his ankle and taking off his shoes. He tossed the shoes and socks onto the floor, then curiously touched and tickled the stub of Chandler's sliced off pinky toe. Chandler whimpered with a mixture of pleasure and pain, grabbing Joey and pulling him near for another hot kiss. Joey eagerly returned to his arms, lying them down flat on the bed, close enough that they could feel their hearts beating. Chandler had never wanted someone so much.

Overcome with misery by this flashback, Chandler sharply pulled his feet away from Monica's grasp and sat up, dropping the tissue box and choking up more fiercely.

"Chandler?" Monica was perplexed by his withdrawal, and she came closer to him.

He shuddered with guilt and realized that, sometimes, when he had sex with Monica, she would unknowingly touch him in places that Joey had explored already. Chandler liked it, but he would not admit this to himself, let alone to her. He always insisted that the only important thing was his current sexual partner, not his fuzzy memories of what could have been merely a Boddington's-induced dream. What a fool he was, living in denial so long! The things he had asked her to do...

Monica remained concerned. "What is it? What's wrong?" She tried to hug him again, but he flinched and huddled behind his knees once more. By now, she was getting very impatient with him. "Chandler, talk to me!"

"I-I can't," he moaned helplessly. "I can't."

"Why? It's some guy thing that I wouldn't understand? Would you rather talk to Ross or--?"

"No."

"Then tell me, all right? Just tell me. Come on, Chandler, we shouldn't have any secrets between us."

That "us" upset him even more, and he felt like an even bigger scumbag for deceiving her and using her. He couldn't go on like this, making excuses.

"I-I-I never told you..." he gulped.

She prompted him to continue, "Yes? What is it, Chandler?"

"In London--me and Joey--we, we..."

"What!" She couldn't stand all this hesitation, and she wondered what did London have to do with today.

He closed his eyes and couldn't say it, not even in a whisper. Still, didn't he owe her the truth? He also couldn't bear the weight of this secret any longer.

Chandler decided that it might be easier to show than tell. "There--there's a videotape, in Joey's room. He found it."

"A tape?"

"It's in his camera." He cried again, then collapsed on the mattress, burrowing under the covers again.

Monica frowned with confusion, but decided to go and find this tape. Maybe it would give her some answers. So she got up from the bed and left Chandler to his sobbing.


	9. The Truth Will Set You Free

On her way across the hall, Monica was stopped by her friends, who asked her whether she had found out what was bothering Chandler. They had spent the past few minutes speculating on Chandler's odd behavior, as well as Joey's fits of weeping earlier.

Monica replied with a shrug. "Not really. But he said something about a videotape that Joey found, so I'm gonna go over there and get it."

"What tape?"

"I don't know. Something to do with London." She sighed. "I hope it explains what's going on with these guys, because all this mystery is getting on my nerves."

"Yeah, me too."

"Hey, we'll come with you!"

"Yeah, let's go."

She didn't object, so the group followed her across the hall to Joey's.

* * *

When Joey first heard someone entering his apartment, he glanced up and almost believed that Chandler had come back, maybe to talk to him again or maybe to get the tape and destroy it like he had clearly wanted to do in London.

But as he heard multiple voices and footsteps coming toward his room, Joey realized that it wasn't Chandler at all. Panicking, he gasped and tried to get up to lock his door, but he was too late.

Monica, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel came into his room, so Joey scurried back to his bed and wished that he had a fire escape outside his window, or some other place to hide.

They looked at him with concern. "Joey, are you okay?"

He scrambled under the bedcovers and stammered, "No! Wh-what are you doing here?"

"We came to check if you're all right." They approached the bed.

"What's going on, Joey? When Chandler came back from here, he was crying too."

Joey clutched Hugsy and pleaded, "Go away. I-I wanna be alone."

"Come on, Joey," Ross spoke encouragingly. "You might feel better if you talked about it."

Joey firmly shook his head no.

Monica tried a different tack. "Hey, Chandler said that you had some videotape here. Something to do with London. Do you know what he's talking about?"

"Huh?" Joey was shocked and didn't understand why Chandler would tell them about the tape.

"Oh, wait, I think this is it," Rachel said, picking up the video camera with the tape in it.

"No! No, give that back!" He grabbed it and tried to pull it from her, but she held on stubbornly, and Monica went over to help her.

"It's mine! Let go!"

"Joey, you're gonna break it!" Ross said.

Joey would have loved to break it, but his resistance only made the others more curious to see the tape. With their combined strength, they finally got it away from Joey.

"If you won't tell us what's going on, then we're going to watch this!"

Joey couldn't tell them, so they just left his room and went back to the other apartment.

Joey sat there dumbfounded, wondering why Chandler would tell them about the tape and want them to see it. What was he thinking?

* * *

What was he thinking? When he heard the group return to the apartment, Chandler realized belatedly that all of them, not just Monica, were going to watch the tape. This horrified him, so he came out of the bedroom and tried to stop them.

"No, don't watch it! It's private. Go away!"

"What? But you just told us to watch it!"

"No, I told Monica. The rest of you go home! The party's over. Why won't you leave already?"

"Well, I live here," Phoebe protested, and Monica chimed in that she didn't have any secrets from the gang.

Chandler tried to argue with her, but she responded that he should explain to them what was going on, and what London had to do with anything. He couldn't, though.

Monica said, "Why don't you go over and comfort Joey?"

The gang went over to the TV to play the tape there, so they wouldn't have to crowd around the little video camera to see. They all sat in the living room and rewound the tape to the beginning with the remote.

With resignation and dread, Chandler sat down silently at the kitchen table and stared at the floor. He heard them all making various comments, trying to figure out what was going on. From Joey and Chandler's conversation on the tape, Monica and Ross recognized the events they referred to.

"Oh! This is our first night in London, after we went to the pub and the dance club!"

"You remember when we did the routine?"

But while explaining these things to Phoebe and Rachel, they suddenly stopped talking and gasped loudly. Obviously they were now watching the part where the guys kissed and touched on the bed. Chandler could hear their soft moans and sighs, and they haunted him.

Stunned and horrified, the gang stopped the tape and all turned to Chandler.

"Oh my God!"

"Whoa! Did you have sex?"

"Chandler! How could you?"

Chandler swallowed and still wouldn't meet their eyes. He said quietly, "No, we just--just passed out. We were so drunk."

Rachel was relieved. "So nothing happened after that?"

"Was it just like when you kissed everybody at Joey's birthday party?" Ross asked. Having seen Chandler do plenty of stupid things while drunk, he was willing to give Chandler the benefit of the doubt. Also, this must have happened before Chandler hooked up with Monica after the rehearsal dinner, so it wasn't like he was cheating at all. "That must have been awkward the next morning. Is that why you guys were fighting that day?"

Chandler nodded, and added, "Joey didn't even remember what happened, but I was scared that he had videotaped us, so I kept trying to get rid of the tape."

"Huh? Then why do you still have this tape now?" It had been nearly two years since London.

Chandler shrugged helplessly. "I don't know. Joey said he found it, and he remembered. I-I thought the tape got recorded over. I don't under--" he broke off and started crying.

Monica went over to him and tried to hug him, but he recoiled and sobbed more fiercely. She tried to hush and comfort him. "It's okay, it's okay! It doesn't matter, Chandler. We can get rid of it now." She motioned to the others to get out the tape. "Come on, it was a long time ago. You were just drunk, Chandler, and clearly you weren't gay, 'cause you slept with me the next night."

Chandler choked up and looked strangely guilty.

"Right?" Monica got worried, and the others stared at him too. "Chandler?"

He finally whispered, "I-I slept with you because I was still freaked out about kissing Joey, and I was upset that he was with the bridesmaid so quickly and easily. All those English women turned me down, but you were willing and convenient."

"Convenient!" She looked offended.

"I was convenient to you too," he pointed out. "You just needed comfort because of what your mother said, you know, and what that drunk guy at the rehearsal dinner said."

"Well, that's just how it started," Monica said dismissively. "We fell in love after that, and we moved in together, and now we're a month away from our second anniversary."

"I-I know." Chandler grimaced. "What are we gonna do, have another horrible party like this? Or take a group trip, and somebody gets married again?" God forbid that it might be him and Monica this time.

"Chandler!" Monica felt insulted, and Rachel said, "Hey! This party wasn't so bad. Ever tried going to two parties with both your bickering parents?"

"Yeah! Or had everybody fighting about money during your birthday?" Ross said.

Meanwhile Phoebe looked silently at the tape she held in she hands. Because Joey and Chandler had cried so much about the tape, she suspected that maybe it meant more to them than some meaningless drunken incident.

Chandler shot back, "Ever had all your friends completely forget about your birthday, while they're throwing an early surprise party for Rachel? Ever find out on Thanksgiving that your girlfriend who supposedly loves you still hasn't told her parents that you're together, and oh by the way, they hate you? Ever tried to win them over, and find out that your good friend from college blamed you for smoking pot, and that's why his parents hate you?"

They looked somewhat chastised, and Chandler continued, "Yeah, Monica, I did fall in love with you after London, and you helped me grow up and get over a lot of my relationship issues. That's why I wanted to move in with you. But--but lately, I think it's a mistake. Things are bad here all the time, and I'm not happy. You keep trying to control me and treat me like a child ever since we moved in together. You have all these freaky new rules, so that even Phoebe and Rachel don't want to live here. I mean, Phoebe keeps bickering with you and tormenting me with her jokes and songs."

"I didn't encourage her!" Monica protested, and glared at Phoebe.

Phoebe said, "I-I was just trying to get back at Monica for her suffocating rules. You know, undermine her authority until she kicks me out and demands that Rachel move back in."

"Hey!" Rachel looked mad.

Ross suggested, "You could have just moved in with me," but Phoebe scoffed, saying that Monica would probably keep bugging her to stay in the guest room. She didn't fix up Hotel Monica to let it stand empty.

Chandler interrupted. "My point is that you've gone overboard with the rules, Monica. Like when we were fighting over what to do with Rachel's room. You wanted to make it into a guest room, even though you insisted on Rachel moving out so that we could live together alone. What the hell is up with that? And why can't I have a game room? Why can't I have more of my stuff here, so it will feel like my home too, not just yours? I'm like a guest, and you still won't let the chick and the duck visit--"

"I'm allergic!"

"You're a liar! You expect me to believe that, when you can't even get your symptoms or stories straight?" He sighed. "I have to give in to you about every little fight, and bite my tongue every time you don't care about my opinion or my feelings. When I had that big fight with Joey about missing his audition, all you could think about was whether I didn't give you your phone messages. It was your damn fault that I didn't finish writing Joey's message in the first place! I can't take this anymore, Monica, and we aren't working like we used to. I-I wanna move out."

Everyone was shocked, and Monica started to cry. "No! No, it's not that bad, Chandler! I let you do stuff."

"That's the point. You _let_ me. I don't need your permission! I'm an adult."

"But you're dating Monica," Ross said, thinking that Chandler was overreacting. "Everybody has to compromise in a relationship, even if you don't like it. It's what grownups do."

"But Monica doesn't compromise! She doesn't back down ever, and I'm sick of it."

"I let you have the barcalounger here, and that ugly white dog!"

"Which you put out on the balcony. One stinking barcalounger! That's a victory? It's supposed to be half and half when people live together. Where's my game room? Where's my chairs or my tables or my lamps or my Playstation? Rachel and Phoebe had more stuff here when they were your roommates than I do. I had more stuff here when me and Joey lived here."

"That's only 'cause you bought all the furniture after you kissed Joey's girlfriend Kathy!" Rachel reminded him.

Chandler turned to her and said, "Just the other day, you told me you'd rather live with Joey's mess and the noisy birds than live at Hotel Monica!"

Monica looked at her, hurt, and Rachel tried to mollify her. "I'm sorry, honey! I-I just meant that you'd changed my room so much, and took the lock off the door..."

Ross argued angrily, "There's just not enough room for all your stuff here, and it's just across the hall with Joey anyway."

Chandler said, "When you divorced Carol, and she got all the good stuff, how did you feel? When we had to build you crappy new furniture and you had to watch the bad TV, weren't you depressed and didn't you resent her leaving you for Susan? When Emily made you move and sell all your stuff because it had Rachel cooties, how did you feel? I have nothing here, and I just wanna go home!"

"You really mean that?" Joey asked.

Everyone turned to the door with surprise and saw Joey cautiously peeking his head inside. He had apparently been listening at the door, and he looked touched and hopeful now. "You wanna come back, Chandler?"

He nodded and answered softly, "Yeah. Yeah, will you let me?"

Joey came in and hugged him, whispering, "I miss you."

"I mi--"

"Chandler!" the others interrupted their reunion. "Joey!"

"What the hell are doing?"

"Yeah, what does this mean?" Phoebe asked. "Are you guys just gonna be roommates again, or--or are you in love?"

"What?" Ross gasped as he saw her wave around the tape meaningfully. "Oh my God, are you gay?"

They blushed and weren't sure how to handle this barrage of questions. Chandler said, "I-I don't know. I just wanna move out."

"But you're not gay!" Monica insisted. "You slept with me. We've been together two years!"

"Not anymore. I wanna break up and go home. I'm sorry."

"Sorry!"

"Me too," Joey apologized to Monica and everyone. "I miss Chandler, and seeing the tape again, I..." He trailed off and hoped they could understand how he felt, after all his crying at the party.

Not sympathetic at all, Ross came nearer and tried to punch them, but they both dodged him. Then Joey hurriedly pulled Chandler out of the apartment and shielded him from further attack.

They crossed the hall and locked their door, while Ross yelled at them for being cowards. "I never want to see you bastards again! How could you do this to my sister?" He then returned to the other apartment to comfort Monica.

Catching his breath and relaxing a bit, Chandler asked Joey if he was all right.

"I'm fine, he didn't get me. I was worried he was gonna try hitting you again if we didn't get out of there quick."

Chandler hugged him and thanked him for his concern. After a pause, he met Joey's eyes and got up enough courage to lean close for a kiss.

Joey smiled and kissed him, glad to find that Chandler was not disgusted with him anymore. "After how you got sick that morning in London--"

"It was my hangover, though I tried to convince myself it was our kisses." He sighed apologetically. "When I woke up in bed with you, Joey, I-I tried to make all these lame excuses, and tell myself that it didn't mean anything. That I was just drunk and not gay... And all this time since London, I pretended that it didn't even happen, that I just dreamed it, after all the Boddington's."

"Yeah, when I saw the tape after London, I was really freaked out and scared to talk to you about it. So I hid the tape and forgot about it, especially after I learned that you were going out with Monica."

"But how did the tape not get erased, Joe? I thought I'd checked the whole tape in London."

Joey explained that he had switched tapes while Chandler was in the bathroom vomiting that morning.

"Oh. Well," he squeezed Joey's hand, "well, I'm glad you found it now."

"Yeah." He kissed Chandler again, more deeply and passionately. For a while, he had feared that maybe Chandler might want to be just friends, and that he was only moving back here to get away from Monica's overbearing rules. Joey would have welcomed him home anyway, but he thought he probably would have a hard time fighting his desires.

Now they were together, though, and they were happy.


	10. New Lives

Later, after much crying, Monica came out into the hallway with the video camera and the tape, hurling them down in front of Joey and Chandler's door. "Here's your camera and your tape!" she yelled as the items broke on the floor. Going back inside her apartment, she retrieved the leftover birthday cake and threw that down next, not even caring about the mess she was making. "And take your cake too!"

She made more trips, spitefully announcing each thing that she grabbed and tossed--his laptop, his CDs, his clothes. Then, she pushed the barcalounger out onto the rubble. "Take back all your stupid stuff and live with him in that horrible place, with your stupid, ugly barcalounger and your stupid, smelly birds!"

Finally, she went inside for good and slammed the door hard.

Joey and Chandler cautiously came out to the hallway and started cleaning up the mess. Joey dragged the barcalounger inside their apartment, while Chandler picked up his damaged laptop and wiped the cake frosting off it.

Just then, Phoebe came out with her guitar, massage table, and a couple of packed bags. She slammed the door too, and called back to Monica and the others, "Fine! Kick me out! I'm glad! I'll go stay with Frank and Alice! They need help with the triplets."

Chandler jumped and wasn't sure how to react. He still resented how Phoebe had insulted and insinuated about him for the past month. And yet, he was confused enough to ask her, "You're leaving?"

"Yeah." She sighed, putting down her bags and leaning the table against the wall. "Monica's fed up with me now, and Ross and Rachel are mad that I kept causing trouble here, instead of just moving out again."

"Oh."

Joey returned then to help pick up Chandler's clothes, and he heard Phoebe continue, "Well, I'm gonna go down to the coffeehouse and call Frank and Alice, so they can come pick me up in the van." Frank and Alice lived further upstate.

"You could call them from here," Joey offered, and she smiled, asking if she could bring her stuff inside too, instead of having to lug everything downstairs at once.

Joey said okay and carried her guitar and massage table for her.

However, she looked at her watch and realized what time it was. "Oh, but Frank Jr. is probably at refrigerator college now, and Alice won't want to leave the triplets alone."

Joey said, "Well, maybe you could load everything into your grandma's cab, and drive yourself there."

"Oh, yeah! I almost forgot that I had that parked by my burned out apartment! Well, let me call Frank and Alice first, to let them know I'm coming."

She used their telephone, while the guys went back to cleaning up the mess. Then Phoebe came out and told them, "Thanks. I'm gonna go get my cab and bring it here, so I can pick up my stuff."

"Well... bye." Chandler said awkwardly.

"Yeah, goodbye," Joey said, a little more sadly. He did like Phoebe a lot, and he usually met with her once a month to discuss the other friends.

"Goodbye." She went over to give Joey a hug, then she started to go downstairs. But she stopped and asked, "Hey, um, are you guys gonna stay here?" She told them that they ought to consider moving to a new apartment too. "I mean, it'll be awkward being right across the hall from Monica. Like her breakup with Kip, you know, only much worse."

"Oh. Yeah." Joey looked at Chandler and got worried.

Phoebe said goodbye again and wished them good luck before hurrying downstairs.

Joey and Chandler paused and went inside to discuss moving away. Joey said that he's finally got a steady job with his _Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E._ show now, so with Chandler's job, they could probably afford a bigger place.

Chandler agreed, but he was sad about leaving the place that had been their home for years. In fact, that was what he had said to Monica today: "I wanna go home." Home was here, not her place.

Joey hugged him and said they'd get used to it with a few games of Fireball or something. "As long as we're together, you know?"

Chandler nodded and kissed him again.

Because they left their door open, Rachel caught them embracing, and she scowled disapprovingly. "Don't you guys have any shame!"

They pulled apart and looked at her. "Rachel?"

She explained that she came over to pack her things and move back to Monica's apartment. What with Chandler leaving her, and Monica kicking out Phoebe, Rachel didn't want Monica to be alone at a time like this.

"Oh, uh, sure." They had forgotten about her being Joey's current roommate. Out of guilt, Joey offered, "Do you need us to help you pack?"

"No!" She noticed Phoebe's stuff and asked, "What, she's moving in with you guys?"

"No, uh, she's leaving it here until she can get her taxicab and go to Frank and Alice's."

"Well, good riddance! She should have done it a month ago!" Rachel stormed over to her bedroom door, and ripped down the poster that was keeping the two halves of the door attached. Then she went inside to pack her stuff.

The guys felt really bad, so they returned to the hallway to clean in silence. Chandler brought his clothes in and started to fold them, and sort out what needed to be washed.

Joey swept up the shards of broken CDs and wondered whether they were going to manage to get their white dog statue back, too. Or maybe Monica would deliberately break it in the process of getting it off her balcony.

* * *

As promised, Phoebe came back for her stuff, then drove upstate to move in with Frank and Alice. Phoebe ran her Relaxi Taxi business there for a while, and helped them with the triplets, but it made her sad again that she never got to keep the triplets as her own.

Then Phoebe's fire-damaged apartment finally got repaired, so she moved back there and let Frank and Alice keep the van. The two bedrooms had been converted into one bedroom with a skylight, and she liked having naked alone time again, now that she was rid of Rachel or any other roommate.

Phoebe decided to create a new circle of friends for herself. She knew plenty of people through massage and yoga and aromatherapy, after all, and she kept in touch with some of the people that she knew when she was homeless too. Why not hang out with them more often? She decided to start with Bonnie, and Jasmine from the massage parlor, and that guy that she met on the road trip back from Vegas, and maybe even invite Gunther to join. Still, Phoebe and Joey decided to keep getting together once a month to talk, though Chandler remained fairly aloof to her.

Meanwhile, Joey and Chandler began looking for a new apartment in another neighborhood, but it took them weeks to find a suitable place that allowed pets, so they did their best to avoid tense confrontations with Monica, Ross, or Rachel in the hallway. Also, they didn't go out to the coffeehouse or their other old hangouts, mostly just staying home together and watching TV. At least they still had the chick and the duck, to keep from being lonely.

Joey and Chandler often embraced and kissed affectionately, but in bed, they were nervous and shy. Neither of them had been with men before, nor were they used to thinking of themselves as gay; in fact they thought that they were bisexual, given their past experiences with women.

So the guys slept in separate rooms for a while, until one night Chandler crawled in beside Joey and asked if he could stay in bed with him. Nodding, Joey let go of Hugsy and pulled Chandler close. They kissed and talked until they fell asleep together.

They also worried sometimes about how and when they would come out to their parents and explain what had happened. Chandler decided to tell his parents first, thinking they might take the news better, and possibly have advice. However, Nora sounded rather bitter on the phone and said that Chandler had turned out just like his dad. "I guess you'll move to Vegas and join his burlesque show for good!"

Chandler was upset, and Joey understandably decided to postpone telling the Tribbianis, at least until the holidays, or maybe his birthday. Or maybe he'd start telling his sisters one by one and swear them to secrecy until he got up the nerve to approach his parents and grandparents.

Finally, Joey and Chandler found a new apartment and moved there, borrowing the Buffays' van. Since there was an extra room, they made it a game room with the foosball table, the Playstation, and their dartboard. They planned to get an arcade game too.

Joey's _Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E._ show got cancelled after airing once, so he had to audition for a new job. Joey finally returned to his old soap and reprised his role as Drake Ramoray, although he was in a coma. Chandler advised him to suck up to the writers so that they would make him miraculously wake up.

Then one day at his office, Chandler received a surprising phone call from Phoebe. She usually only called Joey, not him, and he was confused. She explained that she had some great news, though, and couldn't wait.

* * *

Even with her new circle of friends, and her kickass apartment, Phoebe still found herself missing the old gang sometimes. They had been close for many years. So after three months of being cut off from them, Phoebe humbly made overtures to Ross and Rachel, saying that she'd learned her lesson. Monica's freaky new rules had simply driven her nuts, even worse than the last time that she lived with Monica; that was why Phoebe had been so bitchy to her and Chandler. But now that Phoebe has had some time and distance, she was sorry for having been so mean and antagonizing.

After talking with Monica, Ross and Rachel decided to forgive Phoebe and catch her up on what had happened with them lately. They had both taken care of Monica as she recovered from the breakup, and they had even stopped fighting about Paul and Elizabeth, deciding that they must unite as friends for Monica's sake. Ross and Rachel agreed to stay out of each other's love lives from now on, and now they were dating other people.

They had tried unsuccessfully to fix up Monica with a few dates too, once she felt ready, but nothing clicked. Then Monica unexpectedly met Richard again at her restaurant. He said that their lunch a year ago had made him ache inside, and he had spent a year in Africa trying to forget her, but failed. He desperately wanted her back and even proposed.

Monica was flattered and stunned by this, but cautious. She said no to his proposal, not sure that Richard really meant it and wanted kids now, or if it was just pity because he had heard about Chandler leaving her for Joey. Or maybe he was just trying to placate her, like he did at Barry and Mindy's wedding.

Richard insisted that he did really wants kids with her (because he had worked with blind kids in Africa and realized that having kids again wouldn't be terrible), but he agreed to slow down and just date her for now.

Chandler felt happy for Monica and wanted to congratulate her, but Phoebe warned that "it's still too soon for you to try to contact them yet. They're still pretty resentful and mad."

"Oh. Okay." He sighed sadly.

Phoebe told him that Monica wanted to test Richard's sincerity by having him help babysit Frank and Alice's triplets some afternoon. Maybe multiple afternoons, if Frank and Alice would agree.

"Okay, well let me know how it goes."

"Sure."

Weeks later, Phoebe called to say that Richard had passed the test, and he had agreed to stop smoking too. Monica finally trusted him, and they were even talking again about moving to France for a year, so she could study French cooking; Richard no longer objected to having a bassinet in the corner.

As they made their plans, Monica offered to give her apartment to Phoebe and Rachel for the year.

* * *

After Phoebe told him this exciting news, Chandler passed it onto Joey, who was also very pleased. They hoped that Monica would have a baby soon and be happy. Maybe someday Joey and Chandler would be able to make up with the gang too.

After putting the chick and duck to bed, Joey and Chandler retired to their own room. Remembering that night in London, they kissed and started to touch each other intimately again.

But Chandler was still scared and hesitant when Joey got naked and on top of him. "Uh, maybe--maybe if we got drunk on Boddington's again..."

Joey frowned and didn't want him to have to be drunk. Thinking for a moment, Joey got an idea and started talking dirty to Chandler. "Remember when we were talking about Phoebe being bi, and women taking showers in prison?"

"Oh, yeah." Chandler nodded and remembered the incident. "When we had the Playboy magazine... and--and I-I said I'd date you."

"Yeah." Joey told him that he imagined taking a shower with Chandler, and it made him disturbingly hot. "That's why I left for my date. 'Cause I got scared. But I'm not now. Not anymore."

Chandler understood and said, "I-I don't want to be scared, Joe. I just, um--"

"I know." Joey kissed him tenderly, then murmured in his ear a vividly detailed fantasy about them showering together. They got hot and sweaty, even deciding to go to their shower and do it.

"Ooh, wait!" Joey dashed into the kitchen for a bit, then returned and playfully sprayed Chandler with a can of whipped topping. Chandler laughed and dodged him behind the shower curtain, but then Joey grabbed him close and licked the cream off his body. That really turned Chandler on, and he became serious and passionate.

They turned on the shower and sensuously washed each other clean under the warm water. As the steam rose, they kissed each other intensely and at last made love without inhibition or fear.

The End


End file.
